Nostalgia

Wow, I didn't think I'd ever be writing on this again. Part of me wanted to blurt out angry bits of nonsense on Twitter, but I realized trying to cram my scattered thoughts into segments of 140 characters would be more hassle than it's worth.

What's on my mind? The past. Being 17. Surrounded by friends. Very little responsibility. Trying to pretend like I didn't care what people thought of me while still secretly seeking approval from those I admired. Pretending like I had my future planned out. Being spontaneous. Staying out late and getting in trouble.

I know I've grown up a lot in the last seven years. Shit, I graduated high school seven years ago. I can't seem to make my mind catch up with present-time me. It wants to pretend like it's back in 2007. Even though I know (I KNOW) I've grown up in those seven years, hopefully for the better, I can't help but find myself wishing I could go back. Knowing what I know now... fuck, life was so much easier. I couldn't wait to grow up and find myself but somehow I got lost along the way. I stopped writing. I stopped letting myself get lost deep down in thought about the things that really matter.

And then I look back at what I've just written and feel like a complete jackass. These past seven years have been filled with so much love, exploration, discovery, joy, and maturing. Believe me, I wouldn't change a thing, but if someone gave me the opportunity to spend some time in my 18-year-old self I wouldn't hesitate to go back.

I miss everything. The good and the bad. I miss eating lunch with my friends every day. I miss being silly with K. I miss AP art and getting to know T. I miss playing tennis. I miss seeing my brother every day. I miss it all.

I guess that's most of what I needed to get out at the moment. I turned on some of my favorite music that came out in 2007. spent far too long looking through my Gmail archives, and ended up getting punched in the gut by nostalgia.

Responsibility

Oh wow, what a topic. Responsibility is hard for me to write about. Sometimes I have to remember there's a difference between being truly responsible for my own life and happiness and feeling responsible for others.

Worrying about the future or the feelings of others is something I do far too often. Through the years, I've started to realize that I need to be responsible for what I do, say, and feel. Even if I have some negative experience, it is my responsibility to decide how to respond to that. It might sound simple, but actually holding myself to that rule has been incredibly difficult.

More to come later...

posted from Bloggeroid

Honesty

Why is it so difficult to be honest sometimes? Honest with others, with ourselves, with our feelings... We're constantly being told how to act, how to react, how to suck it up when we're feeling discouraged or scared. Like somehow it's supposed to be easier to pretend than to just be honest.

Honesty, to me, is saying what you feel without fearing what others may think. It's about exposing that fragile part of yourself to others when they might not feel the same way. Honesty is about believing in yourself and your choices.

In the past, I think I've tried to convince myself and others that I was a different person, something artificial and alien. I'm coming to realize it's a lot easier to just be honest. Honesty might be excruciatingly hard to accept at first, but the feeling of being rid of guilt and fear is absolutely worth it in the end.

Over One Year?!?

The last time I wrote anything was OVER A YEAR AGO? What the hell?!? How did ONE WHOLE YEAR go by already?

Well, what's happened in the past year:

-Tim proposed last Christmas eve! <3
-The wedding is June 29th, 2012
-I am one year closer to finishing college!

I guess those would be the major points from the last year. :)

Other than that... my mom is in India right now! I bet she's having a ton of fun. It's kind of weird though, I haven't gone for a week without talking to her in ages. I miss her! Also, it's a little worrying because she can't use her phone there so I haven't heard from her since she left her layover in New York on Tuesday.

I know I keep saying it, but I think I'm going to start writing again. I really miss writing. Tim is constantly telling me how great he thinks my writing is and that I should start my own Android blog or something. Haha there's certainly a lack of female Android writers... :P

Dunno

For some reason I woke up way to early this morning with an overwhelming sense of dread and uneasiness. I tossed and turned for several hours before deciding to get up an do something different. I sifted through old thoughts and memories. Read through my ancient blog on Myspace and laughed at how much of a douche I was. I skimmed through some messages from when I was in high school. Fuck, I was a stupid kid, but at least I stuck with my decisions and those have built me into the person I am. I really miss that ability I had to be incredibly critical and honest with myself. I miss having some actual challenge from life, mostly provided by school, and the stimulation my mind had. I miss writing almost every day and I miss my ability to eloquently put down in words what my heart was saying.

To all the people who told me I was being stupid by moving out or that they had lost respect for me because I was living with Tim: screw you. I was making my own choices. They might not have been the best, but they helped me learn and I couldn't be happier. When you've achieved the rank of "perfect" in life, then you can tell me what to do and how to do it better.

I still don't know why I feel so strange today.