Let Me Be Blunt

Well, I can honestly say that today was... shit.

Things started out weird. Andrew was mad because he was almost late which put me in a bad mood. I can't stand it when we're fighting. He's like my twin. It sucks when we aren't talking. Then I walked into the nearly empty school listening to Anberlin (which I've seemed to fallen back into the habit of listening to again recently) which put me in a... weird mood. I started to actually listen to the lyrics and I guess the connotations behind some of them. Lines like:


"Burning down bridges now (scatter the ashes)
Godspeed to all you're after
Is this a life left just to remember
Tell them who you were, who you really were (hey hey!)"

"For most who live and breathe
Hell is never knowing who they are now
Tell me who you are now
Finally safe from the outside trapped in what you know
Are you safe from yourself? Can you escape all by yourself?"

"Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of"

"You're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
My mask is growing heavy but I've forgotten who's beneath"

"Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change"


I dunno. They were just screaming at me. And then all day I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I was distant with everyone for absolutely no reason. I didn't even feel human. Like some other organism watching in wonder at all that we do so unknowingly sometimes.

We went and had an awesome party at the park after school, though. I think eight of us showed up along with enough food to feed at least twice that many. We lounged around, ate, fed the ducks, sat on the dock on the river, and just had a good time. It was gorgeous out. For those two hours, I think I was actually happy today. It was short lived though.

After school I had asked Jon to call me when he got home so I could get a ride with him to the LAX game. I'm terrible going places alone because I always get lost. He said sure, he'd call me, and he loved me.

I got home from the park and called him. No answer. Half an hour later I get a call from him telling me that he'd left some time ago and forgot about me. My own boyfriend forgot about me. Ouch. I was more than a little hurt. I held tears in as I drove Andrew to Eric's house, but as soon as I was back on the road they all came out. I called a certain someone and had a very long talk. I felt a little better when that was over, but I couldn't understand why I was still driving myself to the game. The rational side of myself said "It was just an accident. He was running behind and had to get to the game." Then the emotional side stepped up and made the tears worse. No, he didn't call me and tell me he was running late and see if I could drive myself. He left first and then decided to tell me he forgot about me. It just hurt. Here I am pouring out everything for him and trying to be the best person I can be for him. I'm trying so hard to be accepting, patient, loyal, and forgiving, but it's starting to wear me down. I feel completely and utterly useless and overlooked. Forgotten.

Then on the way home I was spacing out, took a wrong turn somewhere, and got terribly lost. For the third time today, I broke down in tears. I called several people, none of whom answered. Then Jon called to tell me his dad had just been in a car accident. Because of the state I was in, all I could do was sob, tell him I was sorry, and ask for help getting home. With his help and his step dad's, I made it home about an hour later. I called him as I neared home to find that, no he did not want to hang out. Again, forgotten.

I couldn't handle myself after that. I was such a fragile emotional wreck that I decided to go to Kyle's house. The one place that is always open for me, no questions asked. Andrew was already there, so we just ended up playing Wii for several hours until I realized I was out past curfew and needed to get home.

Finally I was home, took a HOT shower, and wrote this all out. Why? I have no idea. I think I'm just still a little bewildered about the events of the whole day. I hate downward slopes in life.

Ah, and mom is home. Bed time now. Goodnight, world.