It is amazing to think that in a few weeks I will be out of school.
I don't know what to think of life right now. Everything is so... good and yet I don't feel like I've found my place in the world. I know everyone around me right now is just going to leave and I'll have to start over again from scratch.
I'm worried about the fact that everything good that happens to me comes to an abrubt end when I least expect it for some stupid reason outside of my control.
I am extremely confused about people and my emotions. Yesterday I was a completely wreck and I have no idea why. Taking one wrong turn on the way home from work shouldn't have sent into a sobbing fit.
On the plus side, I'm enjoying having a job. For one it means less time at home and obviously I'm also getting paid. I love the people there and I'm relieved I didn't end up in fast food...
I just wish I wasn't so dependent on love to make me happy.
Tomorrow is going to be incredibly hard. Today is already hard enough. It's Memorial Day weekend. I hate how some plans can be completely shattered. I don't regret things usually, but I'm getting close. I just regret people. How they act. What they think. It's frustrating that not all people have the same sense of moral judgment or decency.
I don't know what more I can ask for. So many good things may be sitting right in front of my face and I'm too busy trying to hide myself away to see them. It's hard to distinguish the good from the seemingly-good.
So now I'm faced with my biggest questions now.
1. What am I doing?
2. Do I keep my shield up or do I live fearlessly with no concerns?
3. Who am I?
Gah I shouldn't be as bad of a wreck as I am now. It's really weird that nothing is wrong but everything seems to be at the same time. I wish I wasn't so dependent on other people. I don't want to have to rely on someone to take my hand and guide me through life at my side but that's how I am and I don't know how to change.
2 comments:
Distinguishing the good from the seemingly-good is a tricky business. Maybe it's just me, but the seemingly-good always seem to be more sweet and enticing.
I'm also rather dependant on other people. It can be a downfall... but there's also a very comforting feeling about it. Don't know if that's a good thing or not. Probably not...
Oops, sorry! I just stumbled across this blog via random clicking and read a little bit. Don't be offended.
As for the previous entry - what about using pseudonyms for people =P?
Will
hey i understand how u feel when u say that u don't like it whrn u r dependent on love for joy n happiness ( waht the heck, even for staying in an ok mood), i feel the same way, but i dont knwo how to change that
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