Happiness, I Think

Life is strange. On one hand, I have been given the most wonderful opportunity by having Tim a part of my life now. I know this sounds forward, but I don't know what I'd do without him. He's such a huge part of everything right now and I can't believe how close we've gotten in the past few months. It feels like I've known him my entire life... now that I've met him, I really can't picture myself with anyone else. I feel spoiled, honestly.

Like I said, I know is sounds forward, but I'm pretty sure I'm in love.

Damnit love. It's difficult. In my opinion, love is one of the best feelings in the world, but it can also be brutal. Every moment away from him is hard because I think about him and wish he was around. I hate saying goodbye. I hate having to let go of him when I have to leave. I hate sleeping alone now. I miss the body heat and arms around me. Everything feels safer when he's around. Everything feels like the way it's supposed to be.

I just really hope I don't screw this up. I hope I don't get too close too fast and push him away on accident or something. Or get too clingy. Or make some stupid mistake. I'm so terrified of letting people down, now especially him.

Other than that, things are weird. I feel bad because him, Jon, and Sydney just moved into their apartment. I can't get over that week where I screwed up. I don't think there has been a point so far this year when I felt worse than I did that week. Even when I broke up with Jon, it wasn't nearly that bad. I hate knowing some stupid decisions ruined some things. I hate feeling like I'm butting in or just being put up with because I'm Tim's girlfriend. I mean, it's been the three of them for a while. I should just expect to be accepted. I wish more than anything that I could have actually moved in with them... I guess that was my fault though.

And then there's home. I guess that's a big part of why I wish I could have moved in with them. Things at home are crazy. Some days I get home and can't sleep at night because my mom decides to yell at me for hours and some days she's giving me money to go out and see movies and doesn't care when I stay out 5 hours past when she's told me to be home. I never really know what to expect with her anymore. It's strange.

Work is weird as well. I'm not sure who to trust. I'm a little frustrated with a few people, but I guess I can't expect to get along with everyone I meet in life.

I'm worried about the future. About me and Tim. About school.

I'm worried about things I don't want to have to be worried about.

It's summer for goodness sake.