Now?

It's strange. Usually when something important or monumental happens, I have the urge to write about it. To write and write until my brain is empty and I can think again. I don't do well when thoughts are kept in my head for too long.

I'm not exactly sure why it took me four days to get to it this time. Did the opposite happen? Did this create less to think about? Of course not, but it did create a strange sense of confusion. For the first time I was profoundly unsure of what to think or how to feel. I didn't know which emotion to turn to. Never in my life have I not known what to feel. It's unnerving, really.

I believe my mind has had time to sort through things, but I still don't know what to write. I don't know if I should say I'm angry or sad or betrayed. I'm a little of all and not wanting to be any of those at the same time.

I'm angry because now everything is going to be different. Everything is going to be turned upside down. Things will never be the way they used to. Happy memories are now just a guarantee for tears.

I'm sad because I've imagined their emotions. (I think that's one thing I can do pretty decently- imagine peoples' emotions.) The sadness is for all of us. Sad because Andrew has to deal with this for a year. Sad because they failed each other. Sad for myself. Sad when I realize how they must hate themselves for not just what they did to each other, but to us as well.

I feel betrayed because they let my brother and I believe something for so long that obviously wasn't true. They were that little shred of pride which I could hold onto when so many others can't.

It was amazingly ironic that I had Tim to comfort me through this. He just went through the same thing several years ago and he is the only one who has really made me feel better so far.

I'm not really sure what's going to happen next. I don't think I really want to know.

I found a picture of my family and grandparents last night in a frame I had bought specifically for it. At the bottom it says "family" as well as "inseparable." I cried. Is that how everything is going to be now?

Anyway, I got that out. I'm beginning to understand how I feel.