Honesty

Why is it so difficult to be honest sometimes? Honest with others, with ourselves, with our feelings... We're constantly being told how to act, how to react, how to suck it up when we're feeling discouraged or scared. Like somehow it's supposed to be easier to pretend than to just be honest.

Honesty, to me, is saying what you feel without fearing what others may think. It's about exposing that fragile part of yourself to others when they might not feel the same way. Honesty is about believing in yourself and your choices.

In the past, I think I've tried to convince myself and others that I was a different person, something artificial and alien. I'm coming to realize it's a lot easier to just be honest. Honesty might be excruciatingly hard to accept at first, but the feeling of being rid of guilt and fear is absolutely worth it in the end.

Over One Year?!?

The last time I wrote anything was OVER A YEAR AGO? What the hell?!? How did ONE WHOLE YEAR go by already?

Well, what's happened in the past year:

-Tim proposed last Christmas eve! <3
-The wedding is June 29th, 2012
-I am one year closer to finishing college!

I guess those would be the major points from the last year. :)

Other than that... my mom is in India right now! I bet she's having a ton of fun. It's kind of weird though, I haven't gone for a week without talking to her in ages. I miss her! Also, it's a little worrying because she can't use her phone there so I haven't heard from her since she left her layover in New York on Tuesday.

I know I keep saying it, but I think I'm going to start writing again. I really miss writing. Tim is constantly telling me how great he thinks my writing is and that I should start my own Android blog or something. Haha there's certainly a lack of female Android writers... :P

Dunno

For some reason I woke up way to early this morning with an overwhelming sense of dread and uneasiness. I tossed and turned for several hours before deciding to get up an do something different. I sifted through old thoughts and memories. Read through my ancient blog on Myspace and laughed at how much of a douche I was. I skimmed through some messages from when I was in high school. Fuck, I was a stupid kid, but at least I stuck with my decisions and those have built me into the person I am. I really miss that ability I had to be incredibly critical and honest with myself. I miss having some actual challenge from life, mostly provided by school, and the stimulation my mind had. I miss writing almost every day and I miss my ability to eloquently put down in words what my heart was saying.

To all the people who told me I was being stupid by moving out or that they had lost respect for me because I was living with Tim: screw you. I was making my own choices. They might not have been the best, but they helped me learn and I couldn't be happier. When you've achieved the rank of "perfect" in life, then you can tell me what to do and how to do it better.

I still don't know why I feel so strange today.

Drive Better

You know what really bothers me? Stupid drivers. This morning on my way to work traffic was not good but also not horrible, as usual. I like to think that I'm a pretty good driver. I try to be courteous to the other people on the road. One of the biggest things that I try to watch is following distance. You never know when you're going to need to stop quickly or have extra room in front of you if some crazy rear ends you.

Anyway, I'm driving along this morning with a decent amount of following distance between me and the truck in front of me. Traffic was going about 30-40 with frequent stops. All of a sudden, I get this guy in a Saturn behind me tailing me so close I couldn't even see his headlights. In my opinion, you shouldn't get that close to someone. Maybe at a stoplight, but I suppose it depends on the car. If some guy is going 40 behind me and I can't even see his headlights he's too fucking close.

I threw my hands up in a "what the eff are you doing?" gesture and he continued to rage behind me giving me nasty looks and motioning for me to scoot up. Eventually he ended up going around me and getting stuck in the other lane while my lane sped by.

What I really don't understand is the desire to drive and even live so recklessly. What good is it really going to do you to get to your destination a minute sooner? Is the risk of a potential accident really worth it? Not only are you endangering yourself when you drive like a jackass, but you're also endangering everyone else around you on the road. Man up and stop driving like a dick.

The Best

I keep saying that I'm going to be better about posting on this, but I'm not. Months have gone by since the last time I wrote and I hardly think about this collection of words I used to add to so often. I sometimes wonder if writing was my way to escape the loneliness.

Well today's reason for a post is my brother. I don't think there are many siblings who can say they share the same sort of bond my brother and I share. I remember even as kids I would see my friends fight and yell with siblings, completely unable to understand why they hated each other so much. Sure, we had our bickering, but it never lasted long. When I think about the few people in my life that I know I couldn't live without, he's right up there near the top of the list.

I suppose this was prompted by my inability to accept human nature. I believe we make our own paths. We decide who we're going to be and what we can accomplish. Anyone who blames a decision on anything but their self is a fool. As humans, there is always this need for personal gain. It is very rare that you find a person acting with disregard for their own motives.

I can't even begin to say that people can be lumped into ranking categories, because they definitely can't. Sure, some people may be incredibly similar to others, but I also know that is entirely impossible for two people to live the same life. I do, however, know the difference between a truly good person and an evil person masked in good. My brother is one of those good people.

I guess maybe this is turning into more of a dedication or whatever, but it doesn't make it any less true. My brother is an amazing person. He constantly baffles me with both his intelligence and skill. Almost daily he does something that just makes me proud to be able to say that he is my little brother. He deserves nothing less than the best from life.

I love you, Andy-kun. :)