Back Down Again

I had a good day today. There is no reason for my depressed mood right now. Well, maybe there is, but I wish I could just get over all of this drama.

I went out with some of my girl friends today and just hung out. We went to Portland to do volunteer work and found out the place we work at was closed today, so we decided to go look at junk stores instead. Then we went to the Bridgeport mall for lunch and random window shopping. We giggled. We blasted the music in the car. We ogled over things we saw in the stores. It was a lot of fun. But then I came home and cried.

I don't know if it's the bi-polar that created my mood swing today or what. My mind won't ever shut up though. All I think about is him. How much I still love him. How I shouldn't still love him. How unimportant and worthless I feel. How nice those moments were and how I can't believe that it's over.

It's sad because one of my best friends is in somewhat of a similar situation. She had her heart crushed but still has hope. She still loves her ex. And now when they're beginning to get close again, she wants to take a leap even though she knows she shouldn't. I feel bad though because I don't know what to tell her. Advice wise, I'm worthless.

Will I become like that? Will I still be clinging to this glimmer of what I thought was happiness a year from now? Will my resolve crumble if he comes back to me on his knees?

I guess I don't really have to worry, because there's no chance of that happening. He's happy, that much is apparent. I have no reason to care anymore, so why do I? It's frustrating that my heart won't let me not care.

And then there's my parents. I really don't understand them. My mom never shuts up and my dad is a hypocrite. I don't want to become like them. I'm finally getting to a point where I can trust myself and have my own opinions that mean something, but I can't escape my parents.

How do you escape confusion? Haha. Stupid question I guess. Confusion always exists. So more importantly, how can I teach myself how to deal with this confusion? I know I'm mature enough but I don't believe in myself.

I want to believe in myself.

I want to live, not just be alive...