Her: No, I haven't been cutting myself, I promise. I had just been typing for way too long without a break...
Me: Yay, good. You're not a pathetic person like me!
Her: Wait... what?!?!
Me: You didn't know about that? I thought everyone knew by now since he's been telling people...
Her: I haven't talked to him since the beginning of October... No! That is bad... hurting yourself won't help... even if it does temporarily, it won't help at all in the long run... *hug* don't do that to yourself...
Me: Oh. Well good. I know it is. I did it 4 times, and I am done. I think. I almost didn't come home from Mexico... *hug*
Her: "I am done. I think." You think?... do I need to double check and make you wear short sleeved shirts every day? "Think" ain't good enough, hon, not to me... "Think" is still gonna have me worried about you.
Me: Well it's not like I was thinking to clearly when it happened. My theory is this: every time it was caused by him. Something I did to make him mad so I felt guilty, some feeling of worthlessness, some fight. Now that he's gone, the problem should eliminate itself. The scars on the back of my hand. That was the first time. I didn't mean to go so deep. My heart was already hurting too much at the time. Then my wrist. I'm surprised no one noticed. I wore bandaids all week. Nick joked about it, but I didn't tell anyone. Then he saw the cuts one night on accident. Third time on my legs. That wasn't too bad. And then a lot on my shoulder when the troubles with him started again a month ago. Why is love so... difficult?!? This whole time, I stayed with him. Beating myself up and hurting myself because I didn't feel good enough. Taking his crap and over controlling attitude. And what did I get out of it? Nothing. I'm the one left behind. I'm sorry. I know, it's pathetic of me. Sometimes the pain just made things feel more real to me.
Her: I hate that he did that to you... that he hurt you so badly... you were often extremely frustrated with him... and I wish I had had the guts to convince you to break up with him sooner... I just didn't feel I had the right to... I'm sorry I didn't notice your cuts... I should have...
Love isn't usually that difficult... it's fear that is. You were afraid to leave him because you had invested so much into your relationship. You didn't really know anything else... it was comforting in its familiarity, even when it hurt you. Yes, you are left behind by him, but so what? He's not worth it! I know it's hard to think like that sometimes... it's hard to believe you got sucked in... but no one, no matter how much you love them, or think you love them, is worth that, because if they are causing that much pain, and can't see it, or don't do anything about it, then how is that real? How can someone who loves you not do everything possible to ease your pain?
And its not pathetic... I came close, on several occasions. There were times when I considered "slipping" while shaving my legs, just so that my body and heart could come to some sort of balance. I didn't do it, but I am not sure what stopped me. I think I was just afraid that if I started, it would get worse and I was already having enough trouble keeping my mind off of morbidity. And I had more than my fair share of bloody lips that I unintentionally bit open on nights when the pain hit me especially hard... it's not pathetic, it's just not right, and it's not worth it.
Me: Me too. And while this past week has been extremely hard for me, it's also been a blessing. Going through this was a new experience. My soul has grown. I've learned from my mistakes. Even though the wounds haven't healed yet, I know they will. Don't blame yourself, please. It is in no way your fault. You stuck by my side and were a true friend to trust my judgment, even though it was ultimately wrong. I know, and that's what I realized too late. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he was telling me he loved me, yet he couldn't change the way he was as to stop hurting me. Things didn't add up. I changed for him because I loved him and I couldn't understand that he wouldn't do the same for me. I was holding onto that love that we once had so tightly that I wouldn't let myself realize the destruction he was bringing on us and the fact that I was adding onto that by holding on to him. I truly know now that even if you want to with all of your will, you can't force people to change. That's what makes us unique. People can inspire change in others through actions and impact, but it can never be forced. Maybe that was my downfall. I thought I could make him change and stop hurting me, but I never really could. Yeah. At first it really did feel good. The first time I wanted to see what would happen. I was pissed and I tend to get extremely thrill seeking and rebellious when I'm pissed. The new physical pain gave me something else to focus on. Then the near suicide in Mexico. I still feel terrible for ever even thinking about it. I've learned too much in this past week and it's really been a slap in the face to see how much people care for me. I know not to ever try that again. And if I do... please yell at me.
I like this picture, "*Aemaeth*".
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