Calm

I figured I should blog tonight (or rather this morning) because I'm in a writing mood.

There is so much to say and yet I find myself unable to type anything. There is so much on my mind but I don't even know where to begin.

I feel emotionless, but not necessarily in a bad way. It's almost like the calm before the storm, but in this case I'm not worried about any possibilities of a storm. If any come, I'm not quite sure why, but I feel ready to take on anything.

No, things in life are not falling perfectly into place. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I don't have any plans for what I'll do with myself in 74 days when I graduate. But you know what, I'm alright with that.

So many people in the world plan their lives around the promise of school, followed by a successful career, which then leads into a seemingly well planed life with a home, spouse, and children. How many of those stereotypical dream lives actually work out in the end? How many of those husbands end up cheating on their wives and how many young girls end up committing suicide because they're faced with too many problems and not enough attention from influential parents when they most need it? How many households uphold an image of "stability" and "normality" for the public, but suffer constantly when the audience is gone and the masks can be removed?

How many people in this world are actually living?

"There's more to living than being alive."

I feel so constricted once again by the high demand in society that public image holds for so many people these days. No, I haven't been alive for long and no I don't have much experience to compare to. Seventeen years isn't much, but it's enough to have an opinion. What's my opinion? People are corrupt. Too many things in life are overrated. No one loves enough. The innocent suffer while the wicked live in luxury. Nothing is ever as it seems. You have to find happiness in good things rather than waiting for it to be created for you. And too many people give up.

The imbalance of life kills me sometimes. I've found that I tend to be an extremely symmetrical person, or at least I am subconsciously. How is it that some people can be completely beautiful and deserving as they silently suffer, while others have no sense of morals whatsoever as they willingly drown in their own unchecked self-indulgence? I will admit, I'm a jealous person, but I don't let it get to me. It's human nature. Not that I'm proud of that or anything nor is it any excuse. It's simply there.

Another thing that gets to me is attention seekers. Yes, I see that you have problems. I would be more than happy to discus them with you, honestly. I love listening to people. I would be more than happy to chat and help you get through the rough stuff. But I don't want to hear about how much something sucks or how dumb other people are because of their opinions or stupid choices. Once you're perfect you can expect the same from everyone else. Yeah, that seems a tad harsh, but I'm including myself in this. I spend far too much time whining about stupid things that really just end up to be a waste of time and energy. Instead of focusing on the bad, why not look at the good you can find or is to come? Or how about this! Try to fix things! Positively! Such a novel idea and yet so many people seem to overlook it.

What else is there to talk about... I seem to be running out. What else can I touch on while I'm in this typey mood?

Life: pleasantly unchanging yet still eventful and exciting.
Love: routine and seemingly familiar with a strong feeling of security.
Me: happy, healthy, calm, and confident.

There are so many things about myself that I want to change. So many little things that I never think about until I experience moments like tonight where I can't stop thinking about anything and everything. I doubt anyone will really read all of this, but that's alright with me. This one at least, I wrote for myself. Like a dam waiting to burst, out came these thoughts tonight. Sometimes I wish I had the attention span to be an author and then I realize I just couldn't manage.

I'm working on myself, I promise. I'm still growing, living, and trying to figure out exactly who I am, which I may never know. That's okay, though. It'll be an adventure trying to figure out who I am and when I get there I'll feel accomplished. The promise of a future of any sort is pleasant. It's a promise that only death can break.

Goodnight, world.