The Pace Is Too Fast You Just Won't Last

I was told that I had to sit down and write out everything I'm thinking and feeling right now. So be it. This won't be pretty.

What more does the world want from me? How do I deserve to be treated like shit time and time and never have the strength or courage to stand up for myself? I am sick of myself. Sick of this world. Sick of people in general. I am really starting to believe that there is no good left in the world.

I'm sorry that I have self esteem issues. I'm sorry that I'm paranoid, I worry about people too much, and I blame myself too frequently. I'm sorry, alright? I'm working on it, honestly. I am trying to make myself a better person. Someone who really is a good person.

"Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me"

I am pouring my heart and soul into life and still I feel like it's a futile attempt. I feel like I can't be happy. Like I don't want to be happy because it's too much effort and every time I catch a glimpse of that happiness it slips through my fingers faster than water.

I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I don't trust myself. I don't believe in myself. I've given up every part of myself and there's nothing left for me. Neither do I get anything back to compensate for that.

Don't ask me not to worry, that's just what I do. I care about the people close to me. Don't tell me not to care. Some people say I care too much. That I let people walk all over me. I can't stick up for myself. I put too much faith in people. I trust people too much and I let them get too close to me.

But I like that. Having someone know me totally and completely feels wonderful. Why would I want to give that up because I'm scared? I don't want to be afraid to live life to it's fullest.

Every smile I show is fake. My mask is beginning to crack. This constant acting to make myself seem happy is dragging me down and leaving me numb. I'm suffocating and don't remember how to breathe.

I feel like I'm not human. I'm not real. I don't fit in. I don't belong. I want to find somewhere that I can be surrounded by people who love me and accept me. People who will never let me down. I feel like a freak in a cage. I've been locked up for everyone to gawk at with no chance of escape. But even if I do escape, where do I go? I haven't the slightest clue.

A huge part of me is telling myself to stick this out. Maybe, once Jon gets over whatever it is that's bothering him, I can be a part of his life again and make it clear to him that it can't happen again. Honesty is a huge aspect in my book, but if he can't be honest with me, nothing will ever work. It seems like honesty is the hardest thing to get consistently from people.

"It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
But somehow now you're everybody's fool"

I really don't know what to do with myself. I keep telling myself that I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. Ever.

"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here,
And it won't leave me alone"

I don't know what else to write. I was figuring this would be a long rant about how angry I am at Jon, but it's not. I'm just disappointed. I'm tired of being let down. I don't want to have to be mean to be noticed.

I need to start moving forward. I don't know what that means, but I need to figure it out soon or there won't be much left of me.

Now I'm going to go to the game and be the better person. Jon wouldn't take me because apparently he can't handle being around anyone right now, but I'm still going to be there for him if he ever decides he wants me back. I am going to go and sit with Joe and Erin and pretend to be happy, for their sake. I am not going to think about anything. I am going to laugh and smile like I mean it, but of course, I won't.