Sadness

As I sit her sobbing, I don't really know what's wrong.

Everything in life should be good. Things should be wonderful. Full of love and happiness.

Why can't I find the joy in things like I used to be able to?

All I see now is a dark future and layers of secrets.

Sad doesn't even begin to describe me.

New Discovery

Well, alright, it's not a new discovery, but if I work out when I'm pissed off I tend to work harder. Today, that was the case. We ended up having conditioning for tennis inside, which was brutal. I don't even know what to do with myself this week. I am so lost and confused and no one seems to know how to help. I don't know what I've done wrong to make Jon ignore me like has been. He doesn't want to hang out anymore. He doesn't return phone calls. He's rude without realizing it. He won't even return messages. I don't know what more to do. I can't read him like I can some people. I thought it'd be better getting into this relationship not knowing him very well, but now I'm not so sure. I love him soooo much, it just seems like half the time I'm with him he could care less. I dunno. I'm just an idiot. An idiot who is afraid she's not good enough. Again.

In The Dark

I don't know what's going on. No one will tell me. I am left completely in the dark this morning because no one will tell me what's going on or what's gone wrong.

I. Am. Terrified.

Unfair

My dad got home yesterday, let out our puppy (Bella) and then left. Why? I have no idea.

Then she went missing. Go figure.

Last night she was hit by a car and taken to the vet.

Now she's in the emergency room awaiting surgery.

Surgery that my parents refuse to pay for.

So... we lose her...

Emotionless

"I'm trying to get you to think without being emotional about it."

That's what my father just said to me. First he forces religion on me. Now he's trying to make me act how he wants me to act. I can't stand it.

Don't Bother

GAH. Sorry, I just realized it was time for yet another whiny blog about how much I hate my dad. I haven't written one in a long time.

Yeah. Damnit. Now that I'm actually here writing one (or I guess typing, rather) I don't know what all to say. I'm just frustrated. And I broke my crying streak.

I can't stand him! How can someone be so completely hypocritical? It doesn't even make sense! He tells me one thing and I try to stick to it, but then if he's in a bad mood he changes the standards and I'm the one who gets in trouble for trying to adapt to his bullshit. And he's a bloody liar! He made my mom wait at church for an extra 2 hours this morning (she's still there) because he said he wanted to come home and do some paperwork. Yeah, fuck that. He's sleeping.

Oh, and I'm afraid of driving with him. He's fucking insane. He was driving like a drunk this morning, didn't use turn signals, went through stop signs, drove down the middle of the road and crap. It's not like I can say anything to him about it though. If I politely remind him that he just blew past a stop sign, I get my head bitten off because I'm "being disrespectful".

AND he's incredibly selfish. I hate him! SDLFKSJDLFKJ. HATE.

Sorry. I know that was stupid and pointless but I'm just pissed. I hate being pissed.

愛

How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said. ~Victor Hugo

Meh. I liked that quite a bit and figured I'd put it down somewhere.

Love Day

Here comes a late post about Valentine's Day [hahaha]:

WOW.

Yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say about that. Jon came over and I made him dinner. It was actually... amazing. We had candles and Frank Sinatra playing and almost the house to ourselves. Then we were going to star gaze in the hammock outside, but it was cloudy. And freezing. We decided inside would be more comfortable... ;)

Annnnnnnd then he went home a little after 10:00 I think. Haha.

I don't think I have EVER had a better Valentine's Day.

"Trip over love, you can get up. Fall in love and you fall forever."


Note from February 14th, 2008: SCRATCH THIS WHOLE BLOG, LOL.

Dreaming

Mmm. Happiness. I love life. :)

Jon just went home. I'm too tired and happy to elaborate on anything else.

Night-o.

Oh, and here's my Valentines Day collage.





















Featuring my lovely model, Errinkay!

Parallel

I should be cleaning my room, or at least working on some homework, but no. Oh well.

I had an odd week. Terribly busy and full of school and extracurricular stuff, but fun, nonetheless. It was odd, however, when I started thinking about my life after reading the play "A Doll's House" (which we read in AP Lit).

The only reason why Nate and I stayed together for so long is because we knew each other so well. We knew practically everything about each other. That just made it all the easier to change how we acted around each other. We knew what kind of people we had to be to please one another. We knew what things to talk about and what not to. We knew each other's personalities and played the opposite roles perfectly.

I nearly gawked when I realized this in class. And then we got to this line:

"You have never loved me. You only thought it pleasant to be in love with me."

Mhm...

Everything makes so much more sense now. We were both just tired of acting. In the end of the play the main character, Nora, realizes that her long marriage with her husband, Tourvald, has really meant nothing. Their entire relationship was based on public image and fitting roles set by society. She contemplates suicide, but they end up parting at the end of the play.

Now I am even happier about my situation with Jon. We really don't know each other too well... yet. Instead of all this time around each other, adapting to preferences, I've been able to act like myself around him. I can talk about classical composers or pieces we're working on in band and he doesn't get bored. I can show him a day's worth of line work from art and he'll tell me what he really thinks, not just a polite compliment. Everything is different in an amazing way. I mean, Thursday night we just sat in his car and listened to music with him singing along half the time and pointing to me after lines like "I would do anything for you, babe" and such. I'm not sure what else to say. What's left to say?

Okay, well now that I've got that little bit out, I'm done for today. I am going to go drink some of my amazing Pomegranate Lychee Green Tea and get ready to go. I'm spending the day at Jon's house today... :)




























This one is one of mine. This is all I do in art class now that our teacher is gone...

Not So Sure

I'm not quite sure how I feel right now, but I know tomorrow will be better.

I think I'm too dependent on people.

I wish I had friends over to take pictures of. That's what I really need right now.

Oh. And some chocolate, I think.

No.

I will NOT be broken again.

Oh Wow

Last night was... incredible. :)

Hopefully, here I go to have another great day.