Please

Please just call me back and tell me you want to see me today.
Please tell me that you love me.
Please...

I realized yesterday how terrible the situation I'm in is. Being in love is the most wonderful thing in the world and at the same time it is the most terrible emotion to exist. I think I'm in love. Every moment I spend with Jon, I feel happy. Not that I'm never happy around anyone else, but it's a different kind of happy. A feeling of importance. Being intoxicated with good just makes the bad harder and that's what is tearing me down. Love is like a drug: once you've felt it you can't live without it. It's almost like nothing can make me as happy as being in love, but I know that's no way to live. And then there's the days when it doesn't feel like I'm loved at all. Yeah, boo hoo, whiny me. Some days I'm loved, other's I'm not. I thought I could accept that, but it's hard. I realized I depend too much on consistency. I'm afraid of change in every aspect of my life. The inconsistency of this relationship is hard but refreshing at the same time. Life shouldn't be perfect, but doesn't everyone deserve the chance to find happiness? I sometimes wonder if Jon realized how much I depend on him. I wonder if he realizes the stability he's brought to me just by having him by my side. I also wonder if he depends on me at all.

If I'm going to be in love, I want to feel it. All the time.

Love IS real.

Happy Sunday, Right

I can feel myself simply emanating with frustration. Frustration again with a lack of care people seem to have. No, nothing is wrong with Jon. Things with him are simply wonderful. I'm still just getting used to him. He's different, which in so many ways is the best possible thing for me. I'm tired of the same kinds of people. I've been wanting something new. A challenge. Which is exactly what I have now. I have a relationship that I have to work for, and I like that. I have to push myself.

I'm trying to be a better person for both myself and everyone else. My biggest issue right now is fear. Fear of losing Jon. Fear of graduating. Fear of people moving away. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of the future. Fear of letting others and myself down. I'm just all around afraid and I don't quite know how to deal with it.

This weekend I realized I really screwed myself over with my senior project. Here I have my CAM panel presentation tomorrow and I'm barely beginning to assemble all of my papers.

As I mentioned, I'm tired of people not caring. I wish for once that the school's administration actually cared about the students. I have been told so many different things about the requirements for my senior project and then the written paper work I was given said something completely different. As of now, there are 180 seniors who have not finished their projects and we are led to believe that is OUR fault. This is something they just started requiring and both counselors and teachers alike can't even give students the information we need to meet the standards. Not because we can't, but because we don't know how.

I know perfectly well that I could spend a few hours writing papers that are completely made up and I would still pass fine. That's not the point. I'm frustrated because I am expected to jump through all these hoops that are completely irrelevant to my career choice or to prove that I should be able to graduate.

That's my input for today. Back to work now, I guess.

Nascondersi

Penso che oggi principalmente abbia rimasto domestico perché non ho desiderato affrontare la scuola. Non ho desiderato affrontare la gente. La gente che ritengo come non posso adattare dentro con. La gente realmente non sembra preoccuparsi per me più. So che quello suona duro, ma il mio mondo intero ritiene come sta sbriciolandosi intorno me a causa di una persona. Quella è la ragione per la quale reale non ho desiderato andare alla scuola. Lui. Non potrei affrontarlo. Rompe il mio cuore per vedere che la sua faccia e conoscerlo non sta sorridendo per me. Che non lo abbraccerà quando la flangia squilla e lui non camminerò me a codice categoria. A mala pena persino comunicherà con me. Ha ottenuto che cosa ha desiderato da me ed ora è annoiato? Non so. Desidero appena ancora le cose essere buone. Desidero ancora essere felice. Desidero ritenere almeno come sono ancora nell'amore.

Andrò domani alla scuola? Probabilmente, sì. Devo. Ho mancato già troppi giorni della scuola. Devo rifinire che cosa ho iniziato. È triste perché so che non è quello. Quel rotture il mio cuore. Ho desiderato le cose funzionare così male, ma non sembra come. Non ottengo sforzo da lui. Desidero realmente appena qualcuno preoccuparsi per me.

Non desidero dare ancora in su su vita. Quel periodo di tempo era inferno. Non mi affonderò nuovamente dentro un dichiarare come quello. Desidero le cose ottenere più meglio, ma lo desidero fare il primo punto. Ho provato e lo ha spinto via. Non desidero continuare a ritenere senza valore.

So che non otterrò mai la mia conclusione di racconto fairy, ma sarebbe piacevole venire a contatto almeno del mio principe.

The Pace Is Too Fast You Just Won't Last

I was told that I had to sit down and write out everything I'm thinking and feeling right now. So be it. This won't be pretty.

What more does the world want from me? How do I deserve to be treated like shit time and time and never have the strength or courage to stand up for myself? I am sick of myself. Sick of this world. Sick of people in general. I am really starting to believe that there is no good left in the world.

I'm sorry that I have self esteem issues. I'm sorry that I'm paranoid, I worry about people too much, and I blame myself too frequently. I'm sorry, alright? I'm working on it, honestly. I am trying to make myself a better person. Someone who really is a good person.

"Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me"

I am pouring my heart and soul into life and still I feel like it's a futile attempt. I feel like I can't be happy. Like I don't want to be happy because it's too much effort and every time I catch a glimpse of that happiness it slips through my fingers faster than water.

I don't know what I'm thinking anymore. I don't trust myself. I don't believe in myself. I've given up every part of myself and there's nothing left for me. Neither do I get anything back to compensate for that.

Don't ask me not to worry, that's just what I do. I care about the people close to me. Don't tell me not to care. Some people say I care too much. That I let people walk all over me. I can't stick up for myself. I put too much faith in people. I trust people too much and I let them get too close to me.

But I like that. Having someone know me totally and completely feels wonderful. Why would I want to give that up because I'm scared? I don't want to be afraid to live life to it's fullest.

Every smile I show is fake. My mask is beginning to crack. This constant acting to make myself seem happy is dragging me down and leaving me numb. I'm suffocating and don't remember how to breathe.

I feel like I'm not human. I'm not real. I don't fit in. I don't belong. I want to find somewhere that I can be surrounded by people who love me and accept me. People who will never let me down. I feel like a freak in a cage. I've been locked up for everyone to gawk at with no chance of escape. But even if I do escape, where do I go? I haven't the slightest clue.

A huge part of me is telling myself to stick this out. Maybe, once Jon gets over whatever it is that's bothering him, I can be a part of his life again and make it clear to him that it can't happen again. Honesty is a huge aspect in my book, but if he can't be honest with me, nothing will ever work. It seems like honesty is the hardest thing to get consistently from people.

"It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
But somehow now you're everybody's fool"

I really don't know what to do with myself. I keep telling myself that I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. Ever.

"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here,
And it won't leave me alone"

I don't know what else to write. I was figuring this would be a long rant about how angry I am at Jon, but it's not. I'm just disappointed. I'm tired of being let down. I don't want to have to be mean to be noticed.

I need to start moving forward. I don't know what that means, but I need to figure it out soon or there won't be much left of me.

Now I'm going to go to the game and be the better person. Jon wouldn't take me because apparently he can't handle being around anyone right now, but I'm still going to be there for him if he ever decides he wants me back. I am going to go and sit with Joe and Erin and pretend to be happy, for their sake. I am not going to think about anything. I am going to laugh and smile like I mean it, but of course, I won't.

Today: Indecisive

I'm not sure exactly how the rest of today is going to work out. I just got home from Gresham because I had to take my mom out to drop off my uncle's car.

Now I'm simply waiting and wondering if it's worth it to call Jon or not. I didn't bother him at all yesterday. I'm balancing on this fine line between not enough attention and too much attention for him and I don't know where to fall. I was thinking it'd be nice to pick him up and take him out to lunch before we go shopping with Donny, Brittney, and Chelsey (if that's even still going to happen), but like I said, I'm not really sure.

I know I sound like such a whiner sometimes, but I'm not trying to be...

Sad Reality

I depend on others too much.
I get too close to people too fast.
I am a pushover.
I run away from my problems.

....

I am weak.

Let Me Be Blunt

Well, I can honestly say that today was... shit.

Things started out weird. Andrew was mad because he was almost late which put me in a bad mood. I can't stand it when we're fighting. He's like my twin. It sucks when we aren't talking. Then I walked into the nearly empty school listening to Anberlin (which I've seemed to fallen back into the habit of listening to again recently) which put me in a... weird mood. I started to actually listen to the lyrics and I guess the connotations behind some of them. Lines like:


"Burning down bridges now (scatter the ashes)
Godspeed to all you're after
Is this a life left just to remember
Tell them who you were, who you really were (hey hey!)"

"For most who live and breathe
Hell is never knowing who they are now
Tell me who you are now
Finally safe from the outside trapped in what you know
Are you safe from yourself? Can you escape all by yourself?"

"Backing away from the problem of pain you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes, it never disguised what you're really thinking of"

"You're suffocating me, so very hard to breathe
My mask is growing heavy but I've forgotten who's beneath"

"Oh oh, things are gonna change now for the better
Oh oh, things are gonna change, oh, they're gonna change"


I dunno. They were just screaming at me. And then all day I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. I was distant with everyone for absolutely no reason. I didn't even feel human. Like some other organism watching in wonder at all that we do so unknowingly sometimes.

We went and had an awesome party at the park after school, though. I think eight of us showed up along with enough food to feed at least twice that many. We lounged around, ate, fed the ducks, sat on the dock on the river, and just had a good time. It was gorgeous out. For those two hours, I think I was actually happy today. It was short lived though.

After school I had asked Jon to call me when he got home so I could get a ride with him to the LAX game. I'm terrible going places alone because I always get lost. He said sure, he'd call me, and he loved me.

I got home from the park and called him. No answer. Half an hour later I get a call from him telling me that he'd left some time ago and forgot about me. My own boyfriend forgot about me. Ouch. I was more than a little hurt. I held tears in as I drove Andrew to Eric's house, but as soon as I was back on the road they all came out. I called a certain someone and had a very long talk. I felt a little better when that was over, but I couldn't understand why I was still driving myself to the game. The rational side of myself said "It was just an accident. He was running behind and had to get to the game." Then the emotional side stepped up and made the tears worse. No, he didn't call me and tell me he was running late and see if I could drive myself. He left first and then decided to tell me he forgot about me. It just hurt. Here I am pouring out everything for him and trying to be the best person I can be for him. I'm trying so hard to be accepting, patient, loyal, and forgiving, but it's starting to wear me down. I feel completely and utterly useless and overlooked. Forgotten.

Then on the way home I was spacing out, took a wrong turn somewhere, and got terribly lost. For the third time today, I broke down in tears. I called several people, none of whom answered. Then Jon called to tell me his dad had just been in a car accident. Because of the state I was in, all I could do was sob, tell him I was sorry, and ask for help getting home. With his help and his step dad's, I made it home about an hour later. I called him as I neared home to find that, no he did not want to hang out. Again, forgotten.

I couldn't handle myself after that. I was such a fragile emotional wreck that I decided to go to Kyle's house. The one place that is always open for me, no questions asked. Andrew was already there, so we just ended up playing Wii for several hours until I realized I was out past curfew and needed to get home.

Finally I was home, took a HOT shower, and wrote this all out. Why? I have no idea. I think I'm just still a little bewildered about the events of the whole day. I hate downward slopes in life.

Ah, and mom is home. Bed time now. Goodnight, world.

Dizzy

I stayed home from school today because I felt gross.
I did almost nothing.
I feel lonely and unimportant.
I miss Jon, but then I realize I'm probably not missed.
I am fed up with everything.

Giving For Nothing

GAH! I am so sick of pouring my heart out for people and getting nothing back in return! How long will it take me to find someone who can give back as much as I put out? It's so tiring! In relationships, both friends and romantic, it always seems I can do nothing but give. My world revolves around others who I'd do anything for. I change things to make them happy and do what I can to give them the world.

Very infrequently, though, have I ever seen the same devotion in return. Is it completely unreasonable of me to be wanting something too? Am I being terribly selfish?

I want to know what it is I'm doing wrong.

Love

"Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way all the way."

Let me love you. :)

Ahh

I feel much better now. Mmm. I like "alone time."

*sigh* I love being in love. I feel like I'm floating. Teehee

Bites To Remember

"Indeed: is there a place where happiness is wiser, more cloudless, than in this miraculous world? Steel rusts; the ancient God created an ancient human capable of mistakes- and, therefore, He made a mistake Himself. The multiplication table is wiser, more absolute than the ancient God: it never-you understand-it never makes mistakes. And there is nothing happier than digits, living according to the well-constructed, eternal laws of the multiplication table. Without wavering, without erring. The truth is one, and the true path is one; and this truth is two-times-two. and this true path is four. And wouldn't it be absurd, if these happily, ideally multiplying pairs started to think about some kind of freedom, by which I clearly mean-about making a mistake?"

"You, the readers of these records, no matter who you are, the sun is still above you. And if you've ever been sick like I am now, then you know what the sun is like-what it can be like. You know that in the morning, the sun is rosy, transparent, warm gold. And the air itself is a little rosy, all steeped in the sun's gentle blood. Everything is alive: stones are living and soft; iron is living and warm; people are alive and each and every one is smiling. It may happen that an hour later everything might disappear and an hour later, that rosy blood might drain away, but for now everything is alive. And I can see: something is pulsing and flowing through the glass essence of the Integral. I can see: the Integral is contemplating its great and terrifying future, its heavy cargo of inescapable happiness, which it will carry up there, up to you, the unknown, you, who eternally search and never find. You will find you will be happy-you are obliged to be happy-and you haven't much longer to wait."

Those are both from a book called "We" by Yevgeny Zamyatin that I'm reading. I like it a lot.

I don't have much else to add tonight.

Oh, except for this: dang you Jon... sometimes boys can be so unfair... lol...

Busy

Let's see, today I have the wedding photo shoot. Then, surprise birthday party. After that possibly another birthday party. I'm not sure yet. I do know that I have a lot to get done in the next few weeks.

My presentation for my music CAM is the 27th, apparently. I'm so screwed for that. Gah. I'm so ready to just be done with high school.

I want to hang out with Jon tonight. I miss him. :/

Thanks For Nothing

For once I'd like to see a little bit of effort from some people. It's wearing me down; always having to compensate go all the way instead of meeting in the middle. I'm sick of pouring my heart out and being ignored. For once it'd just be nice to get some courtesy. I am trying REALLY hard not to flip out, but it's proving to be quite a challenge. I don't want to give up. I really don't.

Blog time? Indeed.

It's been a while, I know. What is there to write? Hmm...

Well, last... Thursday night (I think) my grandma died.
Um... I had a fantastic weekend with Jon. More so than anyone will ever know.
I have a funeral and TRL tomorrow, which is going to suck.
I got bumped way down in tennis.
My counselor is retarded.
I want a new goldfish.
The wedding shoot is this weekend.
We have band camp on Friday.
And I'm exhausted.

Why is it that Mondays always suck this much? Bleh.