I Want My Sleep!

I woke up at 6:30 today because I was having nightmares. I hate guys. I hate the past. I hate not getting enough sleep.

Now I'm just cleaning my room because I'm too antsy to go back to sleep.

Quotes to Hang Onto

You can lead a horse to water...and you can drown him, but you still can't make him drink. -Bartman

Diatonic Triads! That sounds like nuclear waste. -Me

What! How are you playing notes? You're numbers! -Me

The second cord contains a C, C, D, and F...which is just plain weird. -some computer

(In reference to physics:) My train of thought derailed...at a velocity of 75 meters per second. -Scott

Why are you being so much terror? -Me

Foolish red ball, you're not fast enough to keep up with those triplets. -Me

Gravy-O's! Slap me up a batch! -Scott

I wouldn't be so paranoid if they weren't all out to get me.

It's like one of those things that you can see it, and it's right over there, but your legs are broken. -Me

That's a terrible quarter rest! I despise that quarter rest. -Grant

Rodger Bacon!? Bacon AND Balogna in the same paragraph?! -Scott

I'm tired of these dimes shoving way too many pickles in my funnel. -Dustin

What's worse, knowing that you're wrong, or just EXPLODING? -Tia

Next thing you know, we'll be having school on Sundays...on the Moon. (Grant snorts) And they won't provide buses, either. -Scott

Nonsense often looks like yogurt. -Scott

Oh no! I'm timeless! -Grant

It's like a lava lamp except made out of chocolate. -Scott

It's no fun if you're not Tia. -Scott

(I stole these from Scott)

Odd

I had a weird dream last night and I just wanted to see if I could sit down and try to remember it all...

So I was at a party with someone... and my brother. I can't remember the someone. Eventually we decided to leave. Someone went back to our house (which was an apartment in NY) with Andrew and I went to the "someone's" house. It was raining. We ran inside to this gorgeous mansion and watched the news in a marble floored room. He told me I could go get pj's. I don't know why I was staying the night or how I knew my way around. His mom showed up and led me to her room where I went through cabinets and drawers looking for clothes but all I seemed to find was different shaped slippers and hair flowers. I was crawling into silk sheets when my mom woke me up this morning. I can't remember who it was or what was going on really!!! GAH!

Oddly Discontent

I find myself acting a lot recently and I don't think I should be. I think I'm trying to hard.

I'm frustrated and don't know why. I cry for no reason.

Maybe it's the depression acting up again. I should have said yes to the meds when they offered them to me...

Afraid

It is amazing to think that in a few weeks I will be out of school.

I don't know what to think of life right now. Everything is so... good and yet I don't feel like I've found my place in the world. I know everyone around me right now is just going to leave and I'll have to start over again from scratch.

I'm worried about the fact that everything good that happens to me comes to an abrubt end when I least expect it for some stupid reason outside of my control.

I am extremely confused about people and my emotions. Yesterday I was a completely wreck and I have no idea why. Taking one wrong turn on the way home from work shouldn't have sent into a sobbing fit.

On the plus side, I'm enjoying having a job. For one it means less time at home and obviously I'm also getting paid. I love the people there and I'm relieved I didn't end up in fast food...

I just wish I wasn't so dependent on love to make me happy.

Tomorrow is going to be incredibly hard. Today is already hard enough. It's Memorial Day weekend. I hate how some plans can be completely shattered. I don't regret things usually, but I'm getting close. I just regret people. How they act. What they think. It's frustrating that not all people have the same sense of moral judgment or decency.

I don't know what more I can ask for. So many good things may be sitting right in front of my face and I'm too busy trying to hide myself away to see them. It's hard to distinguish the good from the seemingly-good.

So now I'm faced with my biggest questions now.
1. What am I doing?
2. Do I keep my shield up or do I live fearlessly with no concerns?
3. Who am I?

Gah I shouldn't be as bad of a wreck as I am now. It's really weird that nothing is wrong but everything seems to be at the same time. I wish I wasn't so dependent on other people. I don't want to have to rely on someone to take my hand and guide me through life at my side but that's how I am and I don't know how to change.

Daaang

I can't write anything in this anymore because I need to write about people and I don't know who all reads!!!

Might have to change this to private... hmm...

Yay for having a job!!! And for Friday movie night! I'm excited! And Saturday! Prom! And parades! And the beach on Sunday!!! So much stuff!!!

Lack of Words

I don't know why, but lately I have no motivation to write anything.

I got hired at Office Max. I had orientation today. Did I already write that?

Prom is going to be fun. The promise of Saturday being good is one of the few things I have to look forward to. Teddy Bear Parade Saturday morning, then prom, then sleep over, then Florence Sunday morning. Should be exciting.

Still Not Writing

Here's a couple of key words and phrases to substitute for my lack of writing recently:

-I like shopping.
-I got the job at Office Max!
-I hate most of life right now.
-I hate Travis.
-I hate myself for saying that I hate Travis.
-I'm slacking in school.
-Tim asked me to prom.
-I can't get over Jon and I know I should.
-Pretending to be a completely different person online is refreshing.
-I need more ice cream.

Hmph

I can't get anything out recently. It's frustrating me. Every time I sit down to type something and get stuff out of my head, nothing comes out. I keep writing pointless blogs like this, ranting about how I don't want to write!

Gah.

I need a vacation away from everyone.

My Song For the Night

Ah how I love Mike Shinoda.

"You can say what you have to say
'Cause my mind's made up anyway
I'm taking the high road going above you
This is the last time that I'm gonna trust you
You can say what you have to say
'Cause my mind's made up anyway
All that bullshit you talk might work a lot
But it's not gonna work today"

No, I still don't want to blog about it.

*sigh*

I'm single again.

No, I don't want to write about it.

Another day, maybe.

The End is Near

Tomorrow is literally going to be hell. Yeah, things have to change. They have to end. I'm tired of being in abusive relationships with no communication and no respect. I'm fucking sick of it.

Yeah, things are going to be hard for a while. That's just the kind of person I am. It's hard to fall out of love with someone. It's even harder when you realize that you never really loved them. And the hardest is when you realize that you were never really loved in the first place.

I'll get over it. I get to spend the last month of high school goofing off and not having to care. I can grow up and get out.

I hope I'm not getting desensitized to this stuff. :/

Music In My Head

"Makes Me Wonder"

I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to memorize
The way it felt between your thighs
Pleasure that made you cry
Feels so good to be bad
Not worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Try to get you back

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
(Yeah)
So this is goodbye

God damn my spinning head
Decisions that made my bed
Now I must lay in it
And deal with things I left unsaid
I want to dive into you
Forget what you're going through
I get behind, make your move
Forget about the truth

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you

Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up
And it won't hurt anymore
You caught me in a lie
I have no alibi
The words you say don't have a meaning
Cause

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a fuck about you
And I...and so this is goodbye


Give me something to believe in
Cause I don't believe in you anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference,
It even makes a difference to try
And you told me how you're feeling
But I don't believe it's true anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to cry
(Oh no)
So this is goodbye
So this is goodbye, yeah [x3]
(Oh no)

I Wonder If It Even Makes A Difference To Cry

So, go figure, things didn't go as I'd planed for today. Jon didn't really want to talk. He didn't apologize at all. He won't tell me what's wrong. All I take from that is I'm not good enough and he's gotten bored.

He said he needs the weekend to think about things. I know now that a breakup is inevitable. Oh well. I don't want to date anymore. End of senior year. Pah. Who needs fun. I'll graduate, get a job, move out, maybe do something with myself, and then give up my life for a good cause.

Every guy who has ever asked me out has turned out to be not at all who I expected. Those relationships have all turned out to be difficult and abusive. Every guy that I have ever liked and had the courage to ask out has turned me down. Clearly, I was not meant to have good relationships. Oh well.

This has happened too many times. I've gotten hurt too much. I'm beyond caring anymore. I'm not even crying anymore. It just isn't worth it. Nothing really is.

Unable To Function

I can't handle anything right now. Everything is going downhill. No one seems happy. This is my last month of high school and it's feeling terrible. I feel like I don't even exist to Jon. He blew off going to the beach with me tomorrow. In the span of being home for a half an hour, I got calls from two people (Kristin and Brooke) needing to talk because they're having similar problems with everything going wrong.

I need a sign.