Woot

Yesterday was my brother's birthday party (finally) which was pretty fun, I have to say.

I got to spend the day with my favorite cousin and my "crush". Teehee.

And tonight I get to go see him again! Wooo!

Fun stuff. :]

Unjust

How is it fair for someone to assume that you are angry because you are emotionless?

Blah. I had a bad day with my dad today, but I"m feeling better about it and don't really want to divulge into all of that right now.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, though. Should be fun. I get to hang with Brooke and Nick all day. ^_^

Oh and Nick and I went to a movie yesterday. I'm still confused, but loving every second of this, whatever it is.

And New Years party on Sunday! And my least favorite person unfortunately can't come. Oh darn. (Are you catching the sarcasm or should I lay it on a little thicker?)

Meh. Overall, I'm doing pretty fantastic. I'm loving the cold. I'm loving certain people. I'm loving life.

Oops

I just realized I need to move all my "happiness" stuff into my new blog. Yippee!

One Hundred!

Haha, just thought I'd point out that this is my hundredth post. ^_^

I'm still on a high from last night. There is a permanent smile fixed to my face.

- I love waking up to sunshine.

Reasons To Love

I realized I need to start a blog and constantly be thinking of things that fall under this category.

I have so many reasons to be thankful for my life, which is sad because I really lost sight of a lot of those over this past year.

So here I go:

- I am so happy that New Years is next week. A new year, a new start, a new chance.
- I am constantly astounded by the amazing friends I have. I wish I could do more for them.
- I love Brooke, my best friend and cousin, so much. She is amazing.
- I am so glad that I have been given another chance at life. Another chance at love. A chance to be happy and live again.
- I am happy that I am happy. ^_^ Redundant, I know, but it's so true!


I think that's a good bit to start off. I think I'll just periodically add things (bulleted like that) when they come to me, hopefully at least on per post.

Well, I think I need some sleep. I have had the most amazing day in a long time. Best day of my year, maybe, even.

Don't forget to love!

I Love It

I love the fact that I am happy right now, and still so alive at 1:30 in the morning.

I had the most wonderful day I've had in a long time.

For the first time in my life, a boy made me feel weak in the knees. I thought it was just an expression...

I laughed because I was caught up in the moment. I was living in the present.

I am so confused, and I've never been better.

Feelings

I love that panic when it's pouring rain and you're driving really fast. Especially when you turn down the windshield wipers. The thrill your heart gets in between each stroke when you are left momentarily blind is so exhilarating.

I love the feeling of rain on my face. The ability to stand still and get completely soaked, having no control over the rain, and not caring.

I love how a few simple words can change your whole mood. The simple question of "What's wrong?" from someone you thought didn't care. Laughing with people and really feeling happy.

I need to start focusing on the things that I love, rather than the things are beyond my control.

I want to live every day like it might be my last.

What Once Was Is Now Lost

On this eve of Christmas, all my thoughts are filled with nothing but confusion.

I have tried terribly hard to have a good day, honestly.

My stomach has been churning all day.

My mind has been wandering to places I do not want it to go.

I finished one book and moved onto another. I don't think this new one is going to hold my attention as well as the other did. The other was a Coelho book. I need more food for my soul.

Good think I am going shopping tomorrow.

I need a good and lasting pick-me-up.

Something that won't turn around and let me down.

Ha

Told you. I went and took a long shower, spent far too much time looking for something to wear, actually put in some makeup, and I'm now just sitting around waiting to leave.

I did read a little. I can't really concentrate on much right now.

Oh well.

Christmas Eve

It really doesn't feel like Christmas eve to me. It's weird. So many things are different this year, which seems like it's affected everything. I was supposed to get in touch with my admissions counselor for the photography school I'm looking at in California, but I never did. Oh well. Maybe sometime soon. And then there's Antioch in Ohio, where Nick wants me to go with him. That'd be fun, I have to admit, but am I cut out for it?

Oh well. Right now I don't want to have to think. I just want to be. To act on impulse. I have sat around and done nothing but think today. I laid in bed until one this after noon simply thinking about whatever happened to cross my mind. It was both relaxing and frustrating at the same time.

Tomorrow is Christmas. For all of my life Christmas has been something to look forward to all year long. This year, I don't know, it just doesn't feel the same. I have no real idea why.

I get to go spend time with relatives that don't remember me tonight. Do you know how it feels to say hi to a cousin you've missed who doesn't even remember your name? It's depressing. Last year I went to give one of my cousins a hug and he backed away and asked who I was.

All of these worries will be pushed away tomorrow though, somehow. I get to spend tonight with my best friend, which will be nice, and I know she feels a little bit of my pain. We've never been close with our other cousins.

I think I am going to go find something ridiculously cute to wear tonight, get ready, and sit around reading until we have to leave. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything else.

Have a good Christmas, in case I don't write tomorrow, which I probably will.

Well

There really isn't any sort of "pick-me-up" as great as having someone sneak into your bedroom and leave you a new book and home made caramels while you're gone, just to cheer you up.

Sometimes I really love life, however ridiculous it seems.

I know this is completely contradictory to what my last entry was portraying, but after spending over two hours on the phone with someone who actually cares about me, I don't know why I was making such a fuss. I'll get through this, I know it.

My Weakness

Why are we the most vulnerable when we are at our highest point? Do we think we are unbeatable because we are on top of the world and forget to hold up our defenses? Do we simply choose not to acknowledge troubles that are staring us in the face? And then, those same demons grow into terrible monsters who can rip us down in one blow and leave us feeling broken for good.

"It is as if you were in a foreign country, able to see and understand everything that's going on around you but incapable of explaining what you need to know or of being helped, because you don't understand the language they speak there."

I was honestly reaching a point in my life where I thought I was happy. I thought that I had forgotten the memories that were not worth keeping anymore. I thought that I had let go feelings of worthlessness that used to trouble me. I felt as if I was once again on top of the world and nothing could bring me down.

Trust me, I still want to feel like that. There are so many reasons for me to be happy. So many good things in my life. So much love. Why is it that one night full of thoughts and memories with nothing but my own mind to listen to, can make me feel as if I've slipped back down?

I know I am stronger than this. I know I deserve so much more. Once again, I feel as if I have been given a chance, but now I am too scared to take it. There might be something good right in front of me and I am to afraid to see it through. I am broken. Damaged material.

Something or someone give me the strength.

Thankfully, I have just found that strength, right when I needed it.

Thank you for calling, Nick.

At A Loss For Words

Honestly, it's like now that my life feels so much better, I can't find anything to write about, which is mildly depressing.

So I think I am going to make myself say something that I am thankful for or happy to have every day, until I find some inspiration to write about something.

I am happy for... the rain. It's raining right now. Lovely.

Time Passes Quickly

Has it really been a month? Hmm... one month today... Jack reminded me...

For so long I felt as if I was drowning in a sea with a current bent on destroying me. But lately I have felt as if I have simply been floating along, taken for a ride that I can't control and I don't want to anymore. I finally realized don't need to anymore. I have found joy. I have found love in people I never knew it existed. I have found reasons to laugh and smile again. Reasons to live again. I have found myself and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

I guess time passes quickly when you learn to let things go. I am so thankful for the lessons I have been taught in the past month. I am thankful for tomorrow, because it means I have a future.

Words

"There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic."

There is something so profound about reading words that really speak to you. As if your soul is being taken, transformed into coherent thoughts, spilled and etched across paper, and laid out for the world to see. As if for once, you really feel like you understand something. Not everything, but something. Something so small and insignificant that you can't even find its purpose, but it exists and that is what matters. What gives you hope. What keeps you smiling. What gives you the thrill of realization after discovering that you have been asleep your entire life.

I don't want to sleep through life anymore.

Stuff!

Way too much has been happening recently, in a good way.

I'm too busy to write up everything right now, but I promise one of these days I will.

I had a party last night and another tonight.

Life is good.

:D

Nope

I thought I had everything figured out. Nope. I don't. Things just got ten times more confusing.
Oh well. I'll get over it. I promise. Things can't bring me down anymore.
I did, however, find a song for the day that seemed to fit me.


Never Let This Go by Paramore

Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Please don't get me wrong

Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

One day you'll get sick of
saying that everything's alright
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending
Just like I am tonight

Please don't get me wrong

Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

Let this go, let this go

But I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

I'll never let this go
I can't find the words to tell you
That now I feel like I don't know you






Trust me. You're probably not looking at it the same way I am right now. No one really knows what's going on with me right now, and I'm fine to keep it that way. People have heard enough of my troubles.

Wow

These past few days have been... just wow. I will have to actually sit down and write about them when I can concentrate and don't have the worry of the power going out. Trust me. I will.

A Better Day

Technically I ran away from home last night. And yes, I am still gone. I'm skipping school today.

I regressed. I was suicidal again yesterday. Finally I have people listening to me and hopefully I can get this fixed for good.

I'm not looking forward to going back home later today though. I really don't want to. My parents don't listen. What's the point. Everything is too much to handle and they just make it worse.

Last night was well, yeah.

It's been an uneventful morning. I'm freezing. And I have to go to work at two.

BUT, I have an interview with UPS tomorrow as well as a call coming from my college admissions guy. Fun stuff, huh?

Yay!

He said yes!!!

This Stuck With Me

This is a passage from "The Valkyries" by Paulo Coelho, my favorite author.

Punish us because we are different. Because we have dared to dream, and to believe in the things no one else any longer believes in.

Punish us because we challenged what exists, what everyone else accepts, what most others want to remain unchanged.

Punish us because we speak of faith, and we feel hopeless. We speak of love, but we receive neither the affection nor the comfort we feel we deserve. We speak of freedom, and we are prisoners to our own guilt.

Adventures

Haha. Is it sad that thoughts of writing on this blog have been popping up for the past three days? Hm. Well, they have. I haven't really been on the computer a lot lately. Everything has been so crazy. Where to begin?

Well, Thursday was... weird. My day was fine, until the end of the day. I mean, my favorite teacher pulled me aside to chat as I went to my car, partially with the intention of saving me from having to walk by my two least favorite people. That was kind of nice. It always makes me feel better knowing that Ms. Tomlinson cares about me. But then, I got outside in a group of friends, and those same two people feel that it is okay to join our little group, all the while poking and touching each other while giggling. Gross.

So I left. But then the one person I trust myself with, well he starts talking to one of my unspeakables. Yeah, okay. I can't expect him to hate her, but gah. I know, he meant nothing by it. It just irked me.

Then I went to work and my boss could tell I was a mess so she told me to go home and come back to work on Sunday. I was thankful. Then I remembered I wanted to get an interview in at UPS. So we went there, but didn't make it before they closed. Oh and I was riding with my mom. Yeah, that turned out to be complete chaos. We ended up yelling at each other and whatnot the entire car ride, I came home in tears and collapsed in bed, and didn't wake up until six the next morning. Yowch.

Then Friday. Friday was actually pretty good. I had a great day with Nick, just generally hanging out and being goofy. Then my mom pulled me out of school at one to go to the doctor.

When I got there, and well, after the exam and stuff, it was determined that apparently I have TMJD (tempromandibular joint disorder) which is some sort of deficiency in the joints in my jaw. That's what has been giving me so much pain. Blah. And the only thing I can do is take pain killers. Or surgery, but I'm not that extreme.

Oh and I also found out that I have to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to see if they should treat me for bi polar or just depression, but they have to find out which specifically. If they treat for one, if could screw me up more, and visa versa. But I do definitely need medication. That much was determined. Whoopie.

Oh but then, after that ran late, I came home and grabbed some stuff, went and played Christmas songs for band for an hour in front of Papa Murphey's, and then left to go to Scott's house for his birthday party. I actually just got home from there. ^_^ We went to a place called Comedy Sportz (a comedy club) in Portland. Amazing.

So here I am. I have a class at 8 tomorrow morning (yes, on a Saturday) which I am completely unprepared for, but it's okay. Tomlinson teaches it. She likes me. I like her. It all works out.

Oh and I've got practice tomorrow after the class for our group we're putting together for this year's Battle of the Bands. Intense? Yes.

Wow, that was quite a bit, huh?

You Know

Today was actually fine.

I had a wonderful morning. I told myself "Alright, if he shows up first today and alone, then that's my omen that I should ask." Well, he did show up first and alone, which made me happy, but I chickened out. Tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow, I promise.

Other than that um... I dunno. Art was nice. We did large fast drawings with oil pastels, which was incredibly stress relieving.

I felt really ugly today because I had about ten minutes to get ready this morning, but oh well.

Oh! And I went out to lunch with Erin. Fun stuff.

It's True

I. Am. Worthless.

Just thought I'd let you know.

Pleasantly Surprised

I am growing, I can feel it.

I am changing and I love it.

I am living again, not just remaining alive.

I am finally me again.

Or me for the first time.

I have found myself.


























This one is actually mine today.

I Feel

Apathetic. Yes, I am doing very well. Self realization. Change. Growth. I am proud of myself for once for what I have been accomplishing. I can't understand my emotions, though. And today, they are nonexistent.

I Wonder

Do you still read these?

Have you read up to this point?

Did you ever really read these in the first place?

Just know this:

Stay away from me. Out of my life. Away from my friends. I will leave you alone and you leave me alone. We can both destroy each other if we aren't careful and you know that. All I'm asking for is to be left alone.

Leave. Me. Alone.

I don't miss you.

Relief

Months ago Nate and I decided to tie string around each other's wrists, almost like a promise bracelet or something to remind us of each other. Every time I looked down, I saw it and thought of him.

I've still been wearing it, all this time.

When I saw him tonight, with Emily, at the same concert I had asked him to go to with me and he didn't want to, something clicked inside me.

I sat in the back of the theater, enjoying the music as I dug my fingernails into my forearm. The pain of just seeing him there was like another blow to the heart. It hurt.

And then there was Nick, sitting next to me, making comments, and smiling. It was at about that point when the sadness vanished. The pain dulled. And I also started tearing at the string.

There are now welts on my wrist, but the bracelet is gone.

This whole time, I carried this love with me, just like the string. It was always there, always comforting, and always apparent to make me smile and think of him.

But in the end, it left marks on me and pain. Just like his false love.

I don't want to be ruined. I know I am capable of so much more. I'm sorry for all of you who have been reading this emotional progression I seem to be on. I just have to get my thoughts out. I don't know if I am making any sense.

I am ready to let go. Completely.

Will you be there to help me up if I stumble?

Busy

That's my word for the day: busy. Go go go!

Oh well. I've been having fun. And spent the last four hours with my favorite person. And what do I get to do in an hour? Go spend another five hours with that person! Yay!

Oh and I get a free ticket to the MAH concert tonight. And free ice cream.

^_^

Good News

So I am excited! The Flickr group [we are called One World, One Time and we aim to have all group members taking pictures of something ordinary at the same time] that I have been a part of since its creation and watched grow, is now going big. Our leader had the idea to put all of our photos into a book a long time ago, but it was just going to be something small, for self purposes, published by an online source.

Now apparently things have gotten more serious. He has hired a graphic designer to help him with layout, and today I just received the news that he had an interview with BBC news. Talk about amazing! And my photo is to be in it, for sure! I might also even have a self blurb because I served as the groups administrator [they change admin every month] during it's second month.

YAY!

P.S. The new James Bond is my HERO.

Early Morning Lyrics

I haven't gone to bed yet.
It's 4 in the morning.
I still have theory to do.
I'm tired.
I keep hearing this song on the radio.


The Heart Of The Matter- India.arie
(originally by Don Henley)

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
[ these lyrics found on www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

Night.