Calm

I figured I should blog tonight (or rather this morning) because I'm in a writing mood.

There is so much to say and yet I find myself unable to type anything. There is so much on my mind but I don't even know where to begin.

I feel emotionless, but not necessarily in a bad way. It's almost like the calm before the storm, but in this case I'm not worried about any possibilities of a storm. If any come, I'm not quite sure why, but I feel ready to take on anything.

No, things in life are not falling perfectly into place. I don't know what I'm doing with myself. I don't have any plans for what I'll do with myself in 74 days when I graduate. But you know what, I'm alright with that.

So many people in the world plan their lives around the promise of school, followed by a successful career, which then leads into a seemingly well planed life with a home, spouse, and children. How many of those stereotypical dream lives actually work out in the end? How many of those husbands end up cheating on their wives and how many young girls end up committing suicide because they're faced with too many problems and not enough attention from influential parents when they most need it? How many households uphold an image of "stability" and "normality" for the public, but suffer constantly when the audience is gone and the masks can be removed?

How many people in this world are actually living?

"There's more to living than being alive."

I feel so constricted once again by the high demand in society that public image holds for so many people these days. No, I haven't been alive for long and no I don't have much experience to compare to. Seventeen years isn't much, but it's enough to have an opinion. What's my opinion? People are corrupt. Too many things in life are overrated. No one loves enough. The innocent suffer while the wicked live in luxury. Nothing is ever as it seems. You have to find happiness in good things rather than waiting for it to be created for you. And too many people give up.

The imbalance of life kills me sometimes. I've found that I tend to be an extremely symmetrical person, or at least I am subconsciously. How is it that some people can be completely beautiful and deserving as they silently suffer, while others have no sense of morals whatsoever as they willingly drown in their own unchecked self-indulgence? I will admit, I'm a jealous person, but I don't let it get to me. It's human nature. Not that I'm proud of that or anything nor is it any excuse. It's simply there.

Another thing that gets to me is attention seekers. Yes, I see that you have problems. I would be more than happy to discus them with you, honestly. I love listening to people. I would be more than happy to chat and help you get through the rough stuff. But I don't want to hear about how much something sucks or how dumb other people are because of their opinions or stupid choices. Once you're perfect you can expect the same from everyone else. Yeah, that seems a tad harsh, but I'm including myself in this. I spend far too much time whining about stupid things that really just end up to be a waste of time and energy. Instead of focusing on the bad, why not look at the good you can find or is to come? Or how about this! Try to fix things! Positively! Such a novel idea and yet so many people seem to overlook it.

What else is there to talk about... I seem to be running out. What else can I touch on while I'm in this typey mood?

Life: pleasantly unchanging yet still eventful and exciting.
Love: routine and seemingly familiar with a strong feeling of security.
Me: happy, healthy, calm, and confident.

There are so many things about myself that I want to change. So many little things that I never think about until I experience moments like tonight where I can't stop thinking about anything and everything. I doubt anyone will really read all of this, but that's alright with me. This one at least, I wrote for myself. Like a dam waiting to burst, out came these thoughts tonight. Sometimes I wish I had the attention span to be an author and then I realize I just couldn't manage.

I'm working on myself, I promise. I'm still growing, living, and trying to figure out exactly who I am, which I may never know. That's okay, though. It'll be an adventure trying to figure out who I am and when I get there I'll feel accomplished. The promise of a future of any sort is pleasant. It's a promise that only death can break.

Goodnight, world.

Selfish

Today I've been thinking about all the things that I want. No, not material things necessarily, but just... actions. Little things to remind me what I'm living for. But most of all I wish that for once in my life I could get these little things without having to want or think about them. Things like:

- A bouquet of flowers for once in my life
- A random phone call from someone just to talk
- A surprise
- An unexpected afternoon out with Jon to simply enjoy the sunshine

I dunno anymore, just random little things. I guess it hinges around Jon, but it's not like there's anything wrong between us. I'm just still expecting prince charming, which I now know is impossible except for in movies.

I feel like I'm giving a lot more than I'm getting in a lot of aspects in my life. I'm putting in a lot of effort in school, but not seeing great things back. I don't even care about myself when it comes to my friends. I know there are a bunch of people who care about me. I know that. Just for once in my life it'd be nice to feel what it's like... ah nevermind. I've been infatuated with people before. Has anyone ever cared that much about me?

Fighting

That's life for me. I'm confused for no reason.

I have a map, but it seems like it's burning away before my eyes. As if the well-worn path is fading in front of me leaving me stranded in strange and unfamiliar territory.

I feel like there is no storm and yet I'm terrified of being swept away, searching for somewhere to seek refuge from the unforgiving winds. Like the water around me is calm and yet I'm struggling to stay afloat, almost drowning myself.

The icy hands of time and truth have taken hold of me and I'm not quite sure why. It feels like the pieces are falling into place around me and mine aren't lining up correctly.

At times I simply feel like a whiny and overly emotional teenager. It's frustrating. I want to act mature and yet I won't accept an adult life. It's like I have two of myself inside of me, fighting for control, but neither one of them are able to outmatch the other.

One of them has to win or I think I'm going to go crazy.

Opinion:

It was good. So good we had to extend things and hang out today to take care of some unfinished business. Hehe.

I love good days.

Oh and Errinkay, Brittney, and Chelsey are coming over tonight!!! <3

Curious

Will tonight be good or bad?

I think it's a toss up. Today was marvelous and meh at the same time. I'm hoping for good. No, great. I'm crossing my fingers.

Updates later? Yeah.

Or Not

So I got home and was totally going to just write a long ranty blog about how pissed off I am about everything lately, but I decided it'd be pointless.

So I'm not going to.

I will this weekend, probably. My mom put me on some allergy meds tonight so I'm fairly sure I might crash at any moment now.

Tonight was frustrating, though.

Stupid parents.
Guys hitting on me.
Lots of tennis and lacrosse.
Annoying people who shouldn't be.
And way too much thinking.

Yeah, I'm going to call it a night.

Night.

Being Young

His father had struck him before last night but never before had he paused afterward to explain why; it was as if the blow and the following calm, outrageous voice still rang, repercussed, divulging nothing to him save the terrible handicap of being young, the light weight of his few years, just heavy enough to prevent his soaring free of the world as if seemed to be ordered but not heavy enough to keep footed solid in it, to resist it and try to change the course of its events.

-Barn Burning
By Faulkner

I liked the passage. Woot.

Games

I hate that I'm feeling suicidal again. I hate that I'm comparing everything to what I once had. I hate that I can't get the thoughts of one person out of my head. I hate that it's that person.

I don't know what's going on right now. I had a huge break down tonight, which was set off by something stupid, and I knew that, but I'm not quite sure why it had such a huge effect on me. Thankfully, only Erin really saw me break down. Thank goodness for Erin and Bryan to be there to tell me everything would be okay.

I'm stuck in the past tonight and it's getting really frustrating. I think I'm going to curl up and watch some more Ouran High School Host Club and fall asleep to that. I don't want to cry myself to sleep tonight.

Not tonight.

Thoughts

Before I just dive into this, I have to explain myself. I haven't had time to actually sit down and write anything in the past week or so. This is my chance.

Yesterday: My mom scrambled frantically to clean the house because my grandparents and her cousins were coming over for a visit. Why does she bother cleaning? It all comes back to appearance. Why do people care SO MUCH about appearance? I can't stand it! And one of the only reasons why this is so prominent in my mind right now is because of all the analytical work we've been doing in AP Lit, mainly to do with the theme of appearance. My mom doesn't live spotlessly, so why should she make extra efforts to make it appear that she does or our family does?

Today: My dad and I got in a discussion about our road and how it can't be paved until June, which led into a random conversation about our house. He claimed his reason for moving was so my brother and I wouldn't have to grow up on a busy street corner, like our old house was on. Okay, hang on. We moved when I was 13 and he was 11. Isn't that a little past childhood? Yeah, I'm so glad you waited until we were early teens to move, Dad. Then when I brought this up, in an incredibly joking manor, he got pissed. You know, the kind of pissed where he won't say it, but clearly it's taking a lot of effort not to bite my head off for decency sake.

What else... I know I had more to say... ehhh... I guess not. Oh, Erin and I made first doubles seat JV in tennis, which we thought was pretty good for this being our first year. Basically all I do anymore is school, tennis, spend time with Jon, and sleep. It's pretty fun.

Guess what I'm leaving to go do in about an hour? Yeah, tennis.

A Breather

Yay! It's a Saturday morning and I have nothing going on! No more pep band!

Life is good. Beautiful. Simple. No, not simple. Love is never simple, but at least it's a welcome change to the last time I was in love... Last time was frustrating and complicated. Now things just feel natural.

:)

Normal Again

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol


Jon just left. An hour late being home. Today, despite the morning, was... really really good. No, scratch that, even the morning was good. I ran two miles, my dad doesn't hate me even though he now knows about my religious viewpoints, I spent the better half of the day with Jon and Chris goofing off (and I finally got to take Jon out for lunch!) and then the evening with just Jon... ;)

I feel better. There's nothing wrong with me. Jon was right, we were rushing. Now that I'm actually thinking straight I can see he only meant that in a way of concern. Maybe he really does love me and was worried about pushing things to fast that he wanted to savor. Either way, I'm glad to have this other him back. I missed being "appreciated". I have never felt more safe than when I do with his arms around me. As if nothing in the world could even touch me. As if nothing else exists except for him and I, suspended in a precious moment.

I can't stop grinning. In a way, it was almost worth it. Chris told me that too much of a good thing can be bad for you... maybe we were just too good and too much of each other that first month... in any case, those few off days made it all worth it today. Jon is simply intoxicating.

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

It's funny because I still have a paper due tomorrow that I haven't started. I think I'm going to go take a shower, half-ass a paper, and then curl up with the promise of sweet dreams entailing Jon and I and nothing else. Sounds marvelous.


[<3]

The Day Finally Came

My dad now knows that I am agnostic. I've been waiting for this day to come for a long time, but dreading it all the while. I found his reaction odd. Instead of being mad, he's just sad. Depressed. He thinks he's failed. I, on the other hand, don't think that at all. I'm glad he finally knows. Part of me knows that my decision to declare myself as agnostic came from the fact that years ago he began forcing me to go to church and forcing Christianity on me. Rebellion is a part of all teenager's lives, especially from parents.

There's to many other religions in the world to be able to commit myself to just one, or at least right now. That's what life is for.

I'm just hoping that the rest of today turns out alright. I had plans to go out with Jon and I'm really nervous that my dad might try to ruin those.

I'm going to go run now. More blog to come afterwards.

Relieved

After I got home tonight, I had made up my mind. I can't keep this up any longer. So it's done. No more lying to people. No more hiding.

I feel sooo much better.

Confused

I don't know how to give anymore than I already am. I've lost so much of that all giving all trusting side of myself that it's hard to give much more. I'm trying to be likable. I'm trying to be kind and loving and open, but I get none in return.

Maybe I should just run away now before my heart shatters again.