Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Finally
Tonight is finally the start of NaNoWrimo. I'm excited and have been for about the past month for this day to come, but for some reason I was just overwhelmed with an intense feeling of worthlessness and depression. I dunno, maybe it has something to do with the fact that my boyfriend is working with someone on a project who is good friends with a certain someone... but I'm not going to say anything to him. I'm just frustrated. Frustrated at life in general I guess.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
A Piece Of Fiction
I wrote this after hearing the song "Picture" by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock on the radio. I dunno why, but I wanted to turn their song into a story. This was written a long time ago, but I'm thinking about rewriting and using it for NaNoWriMo. What do you think?
Amber colored light filtered in through the small windows of the apartment building on a bleak and seemingly motionless morning. There was a painfully slow breeze sifting through the leaves on the sparse trees outside, and the few cars that occupied the street below seemed to be in no hurry at all. Everything moved slowly, but not in a lazy and comfortable sort of fashion, as one would expect on a Saturday morning. Everything, the leaves, cars, bugs, and even the people moved with look of slow caution, as if everything they did could possibly tip some deadly unseen scale.
A figure rose from a faded sofa and went to stand in front of the windows, noticing the mood of the day, and wondering why it portrayed his own so well. The strangely colored light drenched his front as it streamed through the glass, and created a silhouette from behind. The figure rubbed a hand across his stubbled chin, sighing heavily as it did so, and then rested both his palms and forehead on the cool glass. The sun looked as if it was trying to burst through the clouds, but to no avail, thus the oddly colored light which still managed to penetrate the figure’s closed eye lids. The sun hadn’t been seen clearly shining, backed by a blue sky in three days now. The figure let out another sigh and then turned back to the room and headed silently towards the bathroom.
A couple of minutes later the sound of rushing water could be heard and small puffs of steam furled out of the still open bathroom door. The figure stood in front of the large mirror to survey its own appearance, disappointed, but not surprised with what it showed. A man of 27 looked back at him with unkempt black hair and deep indigo eyes, with heavy bags underneath them caused by lack of sleep. A thin layer of stubble also covered his face.
He removed the remainder of his clothes and held a hand under the water tentatively, climbing in the shower a second later after he found its temperature acceptable. He closed his eyes and let the soft stream of water pour over his face, washing away the layer of grime and sweat caused by alcohol and nightmares. He squeezed some shampoo out of a tiny bottle, washed his hair and began to unwrap the small bar of soap, the label bearing the words “The Mark” across it.
Ten minutes later he was back at the mirror, towel around his waist, in the process of shaving the gray hue that covered his chin. He finished and pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a black button up shirt. Rubbing the last bits of water out of his hair, he let the towel drop to the floor. That’s what room service was for, after all.
Once back in the bedroom, he gave a quick glance towards the king size bed, outfitted in cream and beige colored bedding. The figure of a woman occupied the left side of the bed, her side rising and falling evenly and her long bronze hair lay across the pillow and her forehead. Making sure not to wake her, he quickly gathered his wallet, keys, and cell phone, and pulled socks and high-tops onto his feet. He picked up his jacket, which had been thrown carelessly over one of the high-backed chairs, and left the room closing the door quietly behind him.
Deciding to go along with the pace of the day, he wander casually down the hallway and was not in slightest bit impatient when the elevator stopped seven times on the way down to let on people. He wandered through the lobby, half tempted to just sit down in one of the plush cream colored chairs and watch the faces go by, but he knew he could not stay there any longer. His hand went to his jeans pocket and clutched a folded picture as he paused in the middle of the marble and gold laden lobby, but refused to take it out and look at the tattered memory. He shook his head, as if to clear it and made his way out the revolving doors and onto the streets of New York City.
~
A figure rolled over in bed, wiping a hand across her eyes in an attempt to rid herself of the the lingering images from the dream that had woken her up. She kicked back a small blanket and sat up, starting as her feet came in contact with the cold wood floor. She stumbled to the bathroom and immediately turned on the faucet, needing cold water to wake herself up, even though she knew she didn’t want to face another day. She glanced up at her reflection and regretted it at once. There were smudges under her hazel eyes where her makeup had streaked and she hadn’t bothered to remove it the night before, and her light blonde hair was a mess as well. After seeing this, she welcomed the startlingly cold water and smoothed her hair enough to pull it into a loose ponytail. She made her way back to her bed and plopped down, not wanting to fall back asleep, but wondering if she could trust herself enough to take a step out into the world today. She felt fragile, like a delicate glass figurine that had been stepped on, slowly and carefully repaired, and was now only waiting to be presented as being whole again. She just wasn’t sure if she would be ok if she was stepped on again.
Making up her mind, she got out of bed again and changed, pulling on a pair of cords and powder blue turtle neck. She coaxed a brush through her hair and was satisfied when it finally fell in soft waves around her face. A quick bit of chap stick, some shoes, her coat, and purse were all she needed and she was out the door. She walked the four flights of stairs down through the apartment building and checked for her keys before closing the door behind her. Of course they were still in her jacket pocket, but as she checked her fingers brushed a wrinkled and folded piece of something she’d tried to forget, but could not get rid of.
The wind whipped her hair around and stung her eyes as she stepped out onto the street, leaving her desperately wishing she had brought a hat. She hurried down the sidewalk with breakfast and warmth being the only things on her mind. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted the bright red sign that read “Darcy’s Diner”. The cracked red paint was so familiar to her and even the bustle of activity that she could see through the windows was nothing but normal. Seeing that brought a small amount of comfort and soothed the pangs of worry that had been stabbing at her stomach. Finally, she would have something normal that she could depend on in her day, instead of this tumult of occurrences which had been happening lately. She dashed across the street at the sign of the little green crossing man and hurried into the diner.
~
“Honey, I just got those photos back and developed from our beach trip last weekend! Wanna see ‘em?” Said a voice.
“Yeah, hold on!” Came an anxious second voice from the other room. Several minutes passed.
“Come on! I want to look at them, but not without you!” Came the first voice again, although not in the least bit impatient sounding. It held more of a tone of longing.
“Coming!” The second voice wavered as its owner ran down the hall and rushed to join the first.
The two flipped through the pictures, laughing at some and recalling the exact time that others were taken. They reached one photo which had beautifully captured both voices’ owners. They were smiling, holding one another, and their eyes held nothing but love.
“Hey, you got double prints of all of these, right?” Came the second voice, glancing up from the glossy four-by-six.
“Yeah, why?” Said the first, glancing up like the second.
“Here, I’ve got an idea.”
The owner of the second voice plucked the picture from the other with one hand and grabbed a pair of scissors from the table with the other, swiftly cutting the photo in two. The first voice, both shocked and curious contained it’s questioning. Seconds later, the scissors were still on the table again and the second voice was holding out one side of the photo.
“Here,” said the second voice again, “now you can have the half of me, and I’ll keep the half of you. We can keep them with us always and pull them out whenever we’re missing each other.” The owner of the second voice grinned as the owner of the first voice smiled and stretched a hand out to take the half of the photo.
~
He smiled at the waitress as she came to take his order and stood fast to his order of just coffee even when she tried to entice him by reciting that day’s specials.
“No thanks, I just want a cup of coffee, please.” He said, politely.
“Very well,” she said, looking a bit annoyed, “but you realize you could have gone to just about any other place around here if all you wanted was a quick cup of coffee. Are you from around here?”
“I...” he began, but couldn’t think of what to say.
Her face softened as she saw his own expression, which held a mixture of apology and pain.
“Ah.” She said, knowingly. “It’s alright, dear.” She said, patting his hand. “I understand.” And with that she left his table and went to fetch the pot of coffee from behind the counter.
He laced his fingers together and rested his chin upon them, looking around the small diner for something to hold his attention at the moment. There was an elderly man sitting at the end of the bar, trying desperately to produce something more than watery blobs from his repeated wacks on the ketchup bottle held over his plate. A few teenage girls were sharing breakfast at a booth a few spaces down from him, and he could see the speed of the activity outside beginning to increase, although it wasn’t getting any brighter. He sat close to the glass door through which he had came in through, and gazed through it distractedly.
The waitress returned with his coffee and filled his cup, leaving a small bowl of cream packets on his table as she left with one last understanding smile. He added two packets of sugar and one container of cream and watched the colors blend as he swirled the dark liquid with his spoon. He looked back up from his coffee in time to see a thin figure pushing the door open, her blonde hair whipping around her head along with the breeze she had brought into the diner.
Amber colored light filtered in through the small windows of the apartment building on a bleak and seemingly motionless morning. There was a painfully slow breeze sifting through the leaves on the sparse trees outside, and the few cars that occupied the street below seemed to be in no hurry at all. Everything moved slowly, but not in a lazy and comfortable sort of fashion, as one would expect on a Saturday morning. Everything, the leaves, cars, bugs, and even the people moved with look of slow caution, as if everything they did could possibly tip some deadly unseen scale.
A figure rose from a faded sofa and went to stand in front of the windows, noticing the mood of the day, and wondering why it portrayed his own so well. The strangely colored light drenched his front as it streamed through the glass, and created a silhouette from behind. The figure rubbed a hand across his stubbled chin, sighing heavily as it did so, and then rested both his palms and forehead on the cool glass. The sun looked as if it was trying to burst through the clouds, but to no avail, thus the oddly colored light which still managed to penetrate the figure’s closed eye lids. The sun hadn’t been seen clearly shining, backed by a blue sky in three days now. The figure let out another sigh and then turned back to the room and headed silently towards the bathroom.
A couple of minutes later the sound of rushing water could be heard and small puffs of steam furled out of the still open bathroom door. The figure stood in front of the large mirror to survey its own appearance, disappointed, but not surprised with what it showed. A man of 27 looked back at him with unkempt black hair and deep indigo eyes, with heavy bags underneath them caused by lack of sleep. A thin layer of stubble also covered his face.
He removed the remainder of his clothes and held a hand under the water tentatively, climbing in the shower a second later after he found its temperature acceptable. He closed his eyes and let the soft stream of water pour over his face, washing away the layer of grime and sweat caused by alcohol and nightmares. He squeezed some shampoo out of a tiny bottle, washed his hair and began to unwrap the small bar of soap, the label bearing the words “The Mark” across it.
Ten minutes later he was back at the mirror, towel around his waist, in the process of shaving the gray hue that covered his chin. He finished and pulled on a clean pair of jeans and a black button up shirt. Rubbing the last bits of water out of his hair, he let the towel drop to the floor. That’s what room service was for, after all.
Once back in the bedroom, he gave a quick glance towards the king size bed, outfitted in cream and beige colored bedding. The figure of a woman occupied the left side of the bed, her side rising and falling evenly and her long bronze hair lay across the pillow and her forehead. Making sure not to wake her, he quickly gathered his wallet, keys, and cell phone, and pulled socks and high-tops onto his feet. He picked up his jacket, which had been thrown carelessly over one of the high-backed chairs, and left the room closing the door quietly behind him.
Deciding to go along with the pace of the day, he wander casually down the hallway and was not in slightest bit impatient when the elevator stopped seven times on the way down to let on people. He wandered through the lobby, half tempted to just sit down in one of the plush cream colored chairs and watch the faces go by, but he knew he could not stay there any longer. His hand went to his jeans pocket and clutched a folded picture as he paused in the middle of the marble and gold laden lobby, but refused to take it out and look at the tattered memory. He shook his head, as if to clear it and made his way out the revolving doors and onto the streets of New York City.
~
A figure rolled over in bed, wiping a hand across her eyes in an attempt to rid herself of the the lingering images from the dream that had woken her up. She kicked back a small blanket and sat up, starting as her feet came in contact with the cold wood floor. She stumbled to the bathroom and immediately turned on the faucet, needing cold water to wake herself up, even though she knew she didn’t want to face another day. She glanced up at her reflection and regretted it at once. There were smudges under her hazel eyes where her makeup had streaked and she hadn’t bothered to remove it the night before, and her light blonde hair was a mess as well. After seeing this, she welcomed the startlingly cold water and smoothed her hair enough to pull it into a loose ponytail. She made her way back to her bed and plopped down, not wanting to fall back asleep, but wondering if she could trust herself enough to take a step out into the world today. She felt fragile, like a delicate glass figurine that had been stepped on, slowly and carefully repaired, and was now only waiting to be presented as being whole again. She just wasn’t sure if she would be ok if she was stepped on again.
Making up her mind, she got out of bed again and changed, pulling on a pair of cords and powder blue turtle neck. She coaxed a brush through her hair and was satisfied when it finally fell in soft waves around her face. A quick bit of chap stick, some shoes, her coat, and purse were all she needed and she was out the door. She walked the four flights of stairs down through the apartment building and checked for her keys before closing the door behind her. Of course they were still in her jacket pocket, but as she checked her fingers brushed a wrinkled and folded piece of something she’d tried to forget, but could not get rid of.
The wind whipped her hair around and stung her eyes as she stepped out onto the street, leaving her desperately wishing she had brought a hat. She hurried down the sidewalk with breakfast and warmth being the only things on her mind. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted the bright red sign that read “Darcy’s Diner”. The cracked red paint was so familiar to her and even the bustle of activity that she could see through the windows was nothing but normal. Seeing that brought a small amount of comfort and soothed the pangs of worry that had been stabbing at her stomach. Finally, she would have something normal that she could depend on in her day, instead of this tumult of occurrences which had been happening lately. She dashed across the street at the sign of the little green crossing man and hurried into the diner.
~
“Honey, I just got those photos back and developed from our beach trip last weekend! Wanna see ‘em?” Said a voice.
“Yeah, hold on!” Came an anxious second voice from the other room. Several minutes passed.
“Come on! I want to look at them, but not without you!” Came the first voice again, although not in the least bit impatient sounding. It held more of a tone of longing.
“Coming!” The second voice wavered as its owner ran down the hall and rushed to join the first.
The two flipped through the pictures, laughing at some and recalling the exact time that others were taken. They reached one photo which had beautifully captured both voices’ owners. They were smiling, holding one another, and their eyes held nothing but love.
“Hey, you got double prints of all of these, right?” Came the second voice, glancing up from the glossy four-by-six.
“Yeah, why?” Said the first, glancing up like the second.
“Here, I’ve got an idea.”
The owner of the second voice plucked the picture from the other with one hand and grabbed a pair of scissors from the table with the other, swiftly cutting the photo in two. The first voice, both shocked and curious contained it’s questioning. Seconds later, the scissors were still on the table again and the second voice was holding out one side of the photo.
“Here,” said the second voice again, “now you can have the half of me, and I’ll keep the half of you. We can keep them with us always and pull them out whenever we’re missing each other.” The owner of the second voice grinned as the owner of the first voice smiled and stretched a hand out to take the half of the photo.
~
He smiled at the waitress as she came to take his order and stood fast to his order of just coffee even when she tried to entice him by reciting that day’s specials.
“No thanks, I just want a cup of coffee, please.” He said, politely.
“Very well,” she said, looking a bit annoyed, “but you realize you could have gone to just about any other place around here if all you wanted was a quick cup of coffee. Are you from around here?”
“I...” he began, but couldn’t think of what to say.
Her face softened as she saw his own expression, which held a mixture of apology and pain.
“Ah.” She said, knowingly. “It’s alright, dear.” She said, patting his hand. “I understand.” And with that she left his table and went to fetch the pot of coffee from behind the counter.
He laced his fingers together and rested his chin upon them, looking around the small diner for something to hold his attention at the moment. There was an elderly man sitting at the end of the bar, trying desperately to produce something more than watery blobs from his repeated wacks on the ketchup bottle held over his plate. A few teenage girls were sharing breakfast at a booth a few spaces down from him, and he could see the speed of the activity outside beginning to increase, although it wasn’t getting any brighter. He sat close to the glass door through which he had came in through, and gazed through it distractedly.
The waitress returned with his coffee and filled his cup, leaving a small bowl of cream packets on his table as she left with one last understanding smile. He added two packets of sugar and one container of cream and watched the colors blend as he swirled the dark liquid with his spoon. He looked back up from his coffee in time to see a thin figure pushing the door open, her blonde hair whipping around her head along with the breeze she had brought into the diner.
Twizzlers
It's sunny but cold. I can't stand it. Why won't the weather make up its mind already?
I'm nervous for November to start. I really want to finish NaNoWriMo this year.
I was going to have Subway for dinner last night, but they closed. Like, not I got there too late, the location actuall isn't open anymore. I was sad. So I got Wendy's, Gatorade, and Twizzlers instead.
I just made myself some fingerless gloves for writing this next month. I'm testing them out right now. It's weird but it's working. My fingers aren't numb!
I never posted a picture of the day yesterday. Oops. Here's todays:
Thanks to "aricee" for this one.
I'm nervous for November to start. I really want to finish NaNoWriMo this year.
I was going to have Subway for dinner last night, but they closed. Like, not I got there too late, the location actuall isn't open anymore. I was sad. So I got Wendy's, Gatorade, and Twizzlers instead.
I just made myself some fingerless gloves for writing this next month. I'm testing them out right now. It's weird but it's working. My fingers aren't numb!
I never posted a picture of the day yesterday. Oops. Here's todays:
Thanks to "aricee" for this one.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Waste of Cold Air
I'm freezing. It seems to be a feeling I can't shake lately. For me, it'll always be winter. Which is weird because winter is my favorite season, but in this case it just makes me sad. Yeah, I know my blogs are vague. It isn't my intention to tell anyone about me. This is my way to vent through words without having to listen to any responses.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Thankful For Friday
I really am glad that it's Friday, well at least half of me does. I mean, the break from school is always appreciated, but this week it's hard because I can't go to the Halloween party OR hang out with Nate. That means I get to sit around and clean. Bleh.
I was glad that today went really well, though. Another day filled with nothing wrong and lots of laughing with Nate. We've really been brought closer together by the past few weeks. Things are still really tough, but now I just have faith that time will help me heal.
Also, the second issue of our school newspaper (The Elevator) came out today and turned out realllly good. I'm proud to be head photographer. We got some other schools' papers yesterday and... I dunno, not to sound terribly biased or anything, but ours is sooo much better! :D
Tomorrow we have the pep band compettion at Lewis and Clark college, which should be fun,
but I would rather be hanging out with Nate. :'(
Thanks to "Living Juicy."
I was glad that today went really well, though. Another day filled with nothing wrong and lots of laughing with Nate. We've really been brought closer together by the past few weeks. Things are still really tough, but now I just have faith that time will help me heal.
Also, the second issue of our school newspaper (The Elevator) came out today and turned out realllly good. I'm proud to be head photographer. We got some other schools' papers yesterday and... I dunno, not to sound terribly biased or anything, but ours is sooo much better! :D
Tomorrow we have the pep band compettion at Lewis and Clark college, which should be fun,
but I would rather be hanging out with Nate. :'(
Thanks to "Living Juicy."
Thursday, October 26, 2006
A Bit Of Everything
Things are going better, I must say. Life seems to be evening out, at least for the moment, and I'm enjoying the time right now to just let myself breathe. The cold weather is helping a lot too. Helps me sleep, helps me think, and helps me stay calm.
Halloween is next Tuesday, but I'm grounded. It'll be my first Halloween in my life where I can't do anything. Kind of depressing, but I guess that's what I get.
I got out of school early today to go get my senior pictures taken. They went pretty okay in my opinion. I don't get to see them until the 7th though.
What else....
Homecoming is next Friday, which should be quite an experience. Yeah, I've marched (for band) in the homecoming parade for the past 3 years, but this year we're doing a field half time show in addition to the parade. We're still trying to get some of the movements down. I'm nervous to say the least.
On the 9th I'm leaving to go to Mexico for a week. That should be fun. An actual vacation for the first time since I was... oh wow... 5? Yeah, it'll be fun.
On November 1st NaNoWriMo starts (did I already mention that this week?) which I'm really looking forward to. We have a support group at my school now for it and our first meeting is tomorrow. I really want to stick with it this year.
Right now I'm just sitting around with not much to do. I've got some gummy bears keeping me content and The Hush Sound playing to sing along with, but I need something TO DO.
Oh. I decided I want to do a "Photo Of The Day". I spend a lot of time on Flickr anyway, so why not start adding some of my finds in with this? Here's the first one:
Thanks to "Rune T" for this one.
Halloween is next Tuesday, but I'm grounded. It'll be my first Halloween in my life where I can't do anything. Kind of depressing, but I guess that's what I get.
I got out of school early today to go get my senior pictures taken. They went pretty okay in my opinion. I don't get to see them until the 7th though.
What else....
Homecoming is next Friday, which should be quite an experience. Yeah, I've marched (for band) in the homecoming parade for the past 3 years, but this year we're doing a field half time show in addition to the parade. We're still trying to get some of the movements down. I'm nervous to say the least.
On the 9th I'm leaving to go to Mexico for a week. That should be fun. An actual vacation for the first time since I was... oh wow... 5? Yeah, it'll be fun.
On November 1st NaNoWriMo starts (did I already mention that this week?) which I'm really looking forward to. We have a support group at my school now for it and our first meeting is tomorrow. I really want to stick with it this year.
Right now I'm just sitting around with not much to do. I've got some gummy bears keeping me content and The Hush Sound playing to sing along with, but I need something TO DO.
Oh. I decided I want to do a "Photo Of The Day". I spend a lot of time on Flickr anyway, so why not start adding some of my finds in with this? Here's the first one:
Thanks to "Rune T" for this one.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Affected
So I got about two hours of sleep last night. Needless to say, I was really loopy today and everything seemed ten times funnier than it really was. My boyfriend was laughing at me all day because I was being such a dork, but it was worth it. I'd rather be feeling completely stupid and laughing rather than being angry and depressed.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
The Edge is So Close Now
I'm trying to be strong, have faith, and hold on. I really am. Ah shit but it's so hard. I can't be normal any more. For the past two weeks I've tried. I really don't know what to do or say anymore. I'm lost and I don't know how to find my war. I'm broken and feel as if I can never be fixed. What more will it take for this to be over with? I refuse to take my own life and be a coward, at least right now. I don't want to have to act anymore. Ha, I don't want to exsist anymore. I'm walking along a cliff now and all it's going to take is one more stumble or shove to send me over that edge.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Overreaction
My mom was disappointed about this weekend. It wasn't as bad, telling her, as I thought it would be though. I'm grounded for the next month which means no Halloween. :( Oh well. It could have been a lot worse. 8 days until November and NaNoWriMo starts. I'm excited.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
The End
"There was a moment of silence so profound that it seemed the city was asleep. No sound from the bazaars, no arguments among the merchants, no men climbing to the towers to chant. No hope, no adventure, no old kings or Personal Legends, no treasure, and no Pyramids. It was as if the world had fallen silent because the boy's soul had. He sat there, staring blankly through the door of the cafe, wishing that he had died, and that everything would end forever at that moment."
-The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
I am that shepherd boy.
-The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
I am that shepherd boy.
The Omens
Oh my gosh. I am so scared. Nothing is ok anymore. I thought today would be ok but I just got notice that our secret has been found out. I feel like I can't breathe. I don't know what's going to happen. I'm scared out of my mind. And I just went outside to see one of the chickens laying dead with it's throat slit. It's an omen...
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Down With Freedom Of Choice
Dang it! My brother was at a friend's house and I expceted him to stay another night. Now my plans for tonight are alomst completely ruined. Curses. I want to make this work.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Mmm
I had a good night. I'm glad nothing got ruined. I feel content. There's still a dash of regret and uneasiness every so often, but I'm trying to ignore it. I've been given a chance to be happy and keep everyone else happy and I don't want to ruin it now. But yeah. I had a nice night.
A Heavy But Happy Sigh
Hah. I had a good day, again. I'm happy because my parents are going away for the weekend and I intend to have a lot of fun. Today was just tiring. I got up at 8 on a non school day, had band practice for three hours, hung out with my friend for about an hour, came home for about 20 minutes, went to get my brother from soccer practice, took him to drum lessons, and now I'm finally back. Oh, but I have to take him to a friend's house in about ten minutes. Oh well. At least I get the house to myself. But yeah, I'm tired. *zzz*
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Brain Overload!
So today was great. I got to "skip" school and go to a different class that myself and a bunch of other students are taking up at the college today. This year we're studying the Latin America region. Today we learned about culture assimilation, commodities, and culture. It was great. And then, completely coincidentally I got to go to a lecture at one of the downtown theatres about ancient Mayan archeology, which was fascinating. I only got to be home for about an hour today, and that time I spent cleaning, but all in all it was a good day. I had some issues, but I'm really trying not to dwell on them. I just want to sleep. :D
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Ho Hum
Today was a long day. Running around, ordering caps and gowns for graduation, marching practice, uniform check-out, and then cleaning when I got home. I layed down telling myself it'd only be for ten minutes and woke up an hour later. The cold is making me drowzy. And my ears have got this weird poping thing going on. Ouch.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I Feel Clean
Literally. :p I just got out of the shower, something I've been slightly lacking of in the past week because I felt no motivation. I felt dirty. Contaminated. So why should my hygiene be any different? I don't know. Things are nowhere near good again, but they might get there... eventually.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Pour Down On Me
It rained today. I felt semi normal. I got my passport made. I'm going to Mexico in three weeks. I'm freezing cold, but for some reason I don't mind. Most of my friends are okay with my decision to stay with my boyfriend, even though they're worried about me and have assured me that if it happens again, I won't have the choice of staying with him. They'll make sure. Oh and it's only a three day week. I'm happy.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
I'm Too Frustrated to Think Of a Creative Title
How is it that someone can be so hypocritical and still think they are an almost perfect person? I don't even want to go into detail about what my dad did this morning, but it was harsh. I'm sick of him behaving one way, and then geting to the point of yelling when someone else turns around and does the same thing. He's even too stubborn to admit when he's wrong and he has to declare the end of an argument when he has no defense with the excuse of him being a parent. Is that right? Sometime I'd just like to see what goes on in that head of his. What is he thinking...
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Great
Now it's all my fault. Yeah. That makes me feel so much better. I can't stand life anymore. I'm so close to taking mine, but I won't. I can't. At least not right now.
Another Day
I woke up hoping to feel better this morning. No luck. I don't know what's going on today. No matter what, I am not going to try to eat anything anymore. As sick and aweful as I feel, it's worse whenever I can't keep it down. I just need to talk to him. We need our shouting match. If I get in trouble because I have to go over there without permission, so be it. I need this. We need this.
Friday, October 13, 2006
No Sympathy
Gosh, I really dislike my dad. Have I mentioned that before? Honestly. You'd think that people would understand how torn up I am right now, with the shit I've gone through this week. But no. He expects things to go on like any other week. Why? Because he only cares about himself. How often in my life am I going to experience a total break down like this? And he doesn't give a shit. He may have seemed understanding the past couple of days, but that was just because I haven't seen him much. Between my school and his work, along with me keeping to myself when I'm home, in my room, we don't see each other. But he's decided not to work lately. Urgh. And now, here comes my mother. Why do parents feel like they have to be a part of your life? The real difference between friends and family is friends are people you love by choice. Family, you have to love because you're stuck with them. It's not meant to be taken as an offence, that's just how I see it. Why can't people understand that? Gosh, I can't wait to get out of this house. And she's gone. She wanted to know "what's up." How can she even ask that question? Is she that oblivious? As my dad just said, they're a team. I don't want to share with them. I just want some space. Is that too much to ask? Yeah, I didn't want space today. What were my options? Stay home, sleep, and be scared of myself, or go out and be distracted. Yeah, I chose to go out with my friends and I tried to act happy because I knew that's what they wanted to see. Around my family, I don't really care. Yeah I've been hiding out in my room. I don't really want to spend extra time with them. Well, maybe with my brother, but even he can get annoying. I really am being selfish now. I think after what I've been put through, I deserve to be at least a little bit. I don't think I've ever been more depressed in my life. It's getting to the point where I might need help. From a professional. Which of course, we can't afford. Eh. I guess I'm used to it. Go figure.
Oh Well
Today I got out and felt almost human again, not like this lifeless being that's been wandering around for the past 4 days calling it self by my name. Almost. Then I got home. I still can't keep food down. I just want to yell and scream at someone, anyone, but I can't. I have no idea what I'm doing tomorrow. I'm scared of myself still. I'm not thinking straight. About anything. Everyone is having a bad week and I feel bad because I am too so instead of being there for people, I'm the one making people feel worse by my depressed mood and lack of advice. I'm sorry.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
I Want My Happy Ending
That's it. A happy ending. Is that too much to ask for? At one point I might have dreamed about my wedding day, or first house, or even vacations with him. Now all I dream about is being normal. My health is going down. My state of mind is shot. My grades have even started to fall. I have no social life anymore because everything I say and do is acting. I won't have my friends getting angry or sad because I am. I'm hurting enough without knowing that I'm causing distress for them too. I just want to feel like a happy 17 year old again. I want my life back. I want my love back. Does that make me selfish?
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Finished
Everything is over. I can't stand this anymore. The past year, I've been living a lie. I found out today that my boyfriend has been lying to my face for the past year. I'm more that hurt. I'm shatterd. Broken. I don't know if I can be fixed again.
This past year I've been asking him if he loved her. He said no. Over and over he told me no, followed by "I love you". And now, in the blink of an eye, in one night, not only did he ruin my life, but hers too. In so many ways it's not fair. I didn't do anything. Anything to deserve this, and yet here it is, like some deformed monster, staring back at me in the face and I can't get rid of it.
I don't know what to do. Earlier I was mad beyond all belief. I was threatening with suicide. I feel selfish now for even suggesting that. But I don't know where to go from here.
He has so much power over me. Even if I wanted to leave him, I couldn't. Love will do that to you. You make stupid decisions because you can't possibly imagine things any other way. Now I've seen them this other distorted way that I only thought exsisted in my nightmares, and I don't know how to face it. I don't know what to do. Everything is shattered. Everything. And I can honestly say that this time, it wasn't my fault. That doesn't make it hurt any less though.
I can't go to school tomorrow. I can't face anyone. I know I have friends on my side that I hope I can trust. But I thought I could trust him...
This past year I've been asking him if he loved her. He said no. Over and over he told me no, followed by "I love you". And now, in the blink of an eye, in one night, not only did he ruin my life, but hers too. In so many ways it's not fair. I didn't do anything. Anything to deserve this, and yet here it is, like some deformed monster, staring back at me in the face and I can't get rid of it.
I don't know what to do. Earlier I was mad beyond all belief. I was threatening with suicide. I feel selfish now for even suggesting that. But I don't know where to go from here.
He has so much power over me. Even if I wanted to leave him, I couldn't. Love will do that to you. You make stupid decisions because you can't possibly imagine things any other way. Now I've seen them this other distorted way that I only thought exsisted in my nightmares, and I don't know how to face it. I don't know what to do. Everything is shattered. Everything. And I can honestly say that this time, it wasn't my fault. That doesn't make it hurt any less though.
I can't go to school tomorrow. I can't face anyone. I know I have friends on my side that I hope I can trust. But I thought I could trust him...
Tuesday: The New Day of Rest
I stayed home today. My head was too cluttered to even try to deal with going to school. I didn't get much sleep last night either. Fights will do that to you. Especially when it's a fight with the most important person in your world. I feel like I wasted today, though.
Here I am again, confused and filled with self-doubt, all seemlessly strung together by this feeling of discontent.
I can't help but feel afraid, not only of the world around me but of my self as well. I find I'm no longer strong enough to resist the things I once found worthless and too attached to pull myself away from the things that are causing me this pain.
I watch the ink on this paper, flowing easily and without flaw, except by me. Are all things in life like this? Perfect until they are willed another way? For who can blame the ink for an incorrectly spelled word or a misformed letter? No one. And it doesn't happen that way in life.
Here I am again, confused and filled with self-doubt, all seemlessly strung together by this feeling of discontent.
I can't help but feel afraid, not only of the world around me but of my self as well. I find I'm no longer strong enough to resist the things I once found worthless and too attached to pull myself away from the things that are causing me this pain.
I watch the ink on this paper, flowing easily and without flaw, except by me. Are all things in life like this? Perfect until they are willed another way? For who can blame the ink for an incorrectly spelled word or a misformed letter? No one. And it doesn't happen that way in life.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Too Much
I am going to explode. I can't take it anymore. I just want the pain to stop. Go away forever...
Reactions
What are you supposed to feel when one of the only people you can't stand wants to talk to you? How are you supposed to react? They say to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but what kind of logic is that? Am I really supposed to put on this paper thin mask again and pretend like I care? Pretend to be someone I'm not? Something I'm not? I don't know how I'm supposed to react. Should I act? Should I get close to her and watch her? Does that make me a bad person? How am I supposed to get along with someone I can't stand? I don't want to pretend anymore.
Not Right
Don't you just hate it when you come across people in life who are just plain mean? I do. In 5th period PE, not only am I lumped with the 90% of my school I never see (because I've always been in honors and AP classes) but I now know that this means I'm lumped in with all those truly stereotypical jock guys who are just rude. One guy last week called my best friend a "fucking dumb ass" because she was being guarded by three people (in football) so he couldn't pass to her. Just people like that, especially people who cuss A LOT for no reason bug me. Yeah, I'm all for cussing, just not every other word or directed at people who didn't do anything.
Today was pretty good though. I must say I think I'm dehydrated, but I'm fixing it right now with several bottles of water and a cheese sandwitch. :D I also found this really good new radio station that plays nothing but soft solo piano music. It's great. I think I might try to get some plot and character work done for my NaNoWriMo story today. That's about it.
Today was pretty good though. I must say I think I'm dehydrated, but I'm fixing it right now with several bottles of water and a cheese sandwitch. :D I also found this really good new radio station that plays nothing but soft solo piano music. It's great. I think I might try to get some plot and character work done for my NaNoWriMo story today. That's about it.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Numb
This weekend, I can confidently say, has been one of the worst weekends I have had in a long time. Not only were my plans canceled several times, but last night was generally a disaster. You know that feeling when some unwanted person shows up again? Someone completely beyond forgiving, who knows it too, decides that their pressence is ok again. Who knows why.
This someone, who knows who she is, showed up, uninvited (or so I'm told) to the party we've all been looking forward to for the past week. Not only did she affect me, but everyone else she's hurt. I was in tears driving over there, because I got the call about this unwelcome guest right before I left, but not showing up to a friend's 18th birthday wasn't an option for me at the time.
I just wish somehow, even if I had to take all the blame, that she wasn't around. So many people wouldn't have been hurt. The one person I truly love wouldn't have had to suffer at her hands. Sure, it means the world to have him now, but him never having been cut so deep in the first place is just as important to me. No one deserved that.
I feel like I should be able to take the blame for all these bad things that have been happening to everyone lately, but I can't. I wish I could make it better. I really do. I'm not trying to be God or anything, trust me I'm agnostic, but still. I have the terrible habbit of making anything and everything ten times worse in my head than it really is, and then worrying about until it's resolved. It's not a good habbit.
Oh and I found out that I'm still reacting badly to coffee. I wanted to get out and do something today, but after having coffee this morning I can't say I'm feeling too well. And plans got canceled again today to see a movie. Go figure.
I need to start figuring out what I'm going to write for next month's NaNoWriMo compettion, but that will take a while. Maybe today is the perfect time to start planning.
Either way, I'm feeling a little numb lately. Just numb in general.
This someone, who knows who she is, showed up, uninvited (or so I'm told) to the party we've all been looking forward to for the past week. Not only did she affect me, but everyone else she's hurt. I was in tears driving over there, because I got the call about this unwelcome guest right before I left, but not showing up to a friend's 18th birthday wasn't an option for me at the time.
I just wish somehow, even if I had to take all the blame, that she wasn't around. So many people wouldn't have been hurt. The one person I truly love wouldn't have had to suffer at her hands. Sure, it means the world to have him now, but him never having been cut so deep in the first place is just as important to me. No one deserved that.
I feel like I should be able to take the blame for all these bad things that have been happening to everyone lately, but I can't. I wish I could make it better. I really do. I'm not trying to be God or anything, trust me I'm agnostic, but still. I have the terrible habbit of making anything and everything ten times worse in my head than it really is, and then worrying about until it's resolved. It's not a good habbit.
Oh and I found out that I'm still reacting badly to coffee. I wanted to get out and do something today, but after having coffee this morning I can't say I'm feeling too well. And plans got canceled again today to see a movie. Go figure.
I need to start figuring out what I'm going to write for next month's NaNoWriMo compettion, but that will take a while. Maybe today is the perfect time to start planning.
Either way, I'm feeling a little numb lately. Just numb in general.
Friday, October 06, 2006
And Then That Screeching Halt
Nevermind. Things aren't normal. It just seemed that way. The illusion is gone. The smoke has cleared and that same path is looming in front of me like it was before. I feel unwanted.
Seemingly Ordinary
I feel normal today, for some reason. I laughed about normal things, I was around my idea of normal people, I ate a normal lunch, and tonight I feel like I have a normal weekend planned for a teen like me: football game at seven and then a movie with my boyfriend at nine. Tomorrow I have work and then a party. It's so... normal. It's weird, but I kind of like it...
Life Goes On
I'm mad at myself. As much as I was hurting this morning, I couldn't stay mad at him. I listened to sad songs over and over, trying to tell myself that I did nothing wrong, and my anger was completely justified, but when it came down to it I couldn't not be around him. His voice, his touch, his smile, his eyes... everything I love about him... and I feel as if I'm sending him a signal that it's alright for him to hurt me, because I'm too selfish to stay away from him even if it's for my own good. He has a lot more power over me than I think he knows.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Stabbed in the Heart
That's how I feel.
Today I was lied to by the person I trust the most.
It wasn't even over anything that big of a deal.
But it hurts ten times worse because he's my everything, and he lied.
No matter how many times he says he's sorry, I can't make the wound heal.
It's still too fresh... too deap...
Today I was lied to by the person I trust the most.
It wasn't even over anything that big of a deal.
But it hurts ten times worse because he's my everything, and he lied.
No matter how many times he says he's sorry, I can't make the wound heal.
It's still too fresh... too deap...
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