Teachings

Today has been a good experience. I started talking to the only person who I know can related to me right now, Jack. Talking to him and realizing that we can help each other through this meant a lot. He is an amazing guy, and I can't wait to move forward in life with his help and helping him too.

Then I got to have a deep conversation with Gabby. Out of all of my friends, her words have made the most sense and left the most impact on me. She has helped me more than I think she realizes. She's an amazing writer too!

Gabby's Blog.

I am anxious to start on my road to self discovery. I want to find myself and be happy. I want to change what needs to be change. I want to live.

Nothing will stop me.

^_^

(English) I LOVE YOU

(Polish) Ja Kocham Ciiebiie

(French) Je T'Aime

(Hindi) Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte Hae

(Czech) Miluji Te

(Slovakian) Lu'bim Ta

(Italian) Ti Amo

(Ukrainian) Ya Tebe Kahayu

(German) Ish Libe Dish

(Chinese) Wo Ai Ni

(Greek) S'agapo

(Hawaian) Aloha Wau Ia Oi

(Lithuanian) Tav Myliu

(Korean) Sa Rang Hae Yo

(Japanese) Ai Shi Te Ru

(Romanian) Te Iubsec

(Bosnian) Volim Te

(Albanian) Te Dua

(Philipino) Mahal Kita

(Spanish) Te Amo

Time

It really is amazing how things can go from spectacular to terrible in the blink of an eye.

I felt unstoppable today. I was excited for my future. I was incredibly pleased with the growth that I have felt in my soul recently. I was thankful for the lessons this has taught me. And most of all, I was so glad for the people who have been brought closer to me because of this.

Of course, I am still happy about all of those things, but I have been doused in darkness.

Those few words crushed my will. "We aren't friends anymore." It's like a small part of me believed that as long as I could retain this small amount of hope that he still cared for me, even if only a little, then it would be okay. But he doesn't. He never will.

I got what I wanted. I wanted to be free from him. So why do I still feel like he holds this power over me?

People have been telling me to stay strong.

When things seem as if they can't get any worse, then they do, and that is when we are truly tested. And at that point in which we lose all hope for everything, our true character is tested. One side finds the comfort and ease in letting go. Giving up. Pain doesn't matter if you can't feel anymore. The other side wants to hold on. It is overpowered by the other, because giving up is always so much easier. But this side is more determined. The side that wants to make it through holds all of our hopes and dreams. It is not willing to give up without a fight. It also holds happiness.

Now the question is whether I have the strength and courage to fight with that strong side of me. Can I trust myself again? Can I believe in myself again?

They also say it takes time. The most uncontrollable element. Can I find the perseverance to keeping going? Can I find the patience?

I want to. More than anything.

I have so much to offer. So many hopes and dreams. So many people whom I love.

I have to be strong. I can't give up.

If not for me, for them.

Dead On

Wow. One of my friends posted a bulletin about a quiz to see what tarot card you are. I don't know why, but I decided to do it. What it gave me was frighteningly correct.

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

What I Hear

Breaking Benjamin- Dance With The Devil

Here I stand, helpless and left for dead

Close your eyes, so many days go by
Easy to find what's wrong
Harder to find what's right

I believe in you
I can show you that I can see right through
All your empty lies, I won't stay long
In this world so wrong

Say goodbye,
As we dance with the devil tonight
Don't you dare look at him in the eye
As we dance with the devil tonight

Trembling, crawling across my skin
Feeding your cold, dead eyes
Stealing the life of mine

I believe in you
I can show you that I can see right through
All your empty lies, I won't last long
In this world so wrong

Say goodbye,
As we dance with the devil tonight
Don't you dare look at him in the eye
As we dance with the devil tonight

Hold on
Hold on

Say goodbye,
As we dance with the devil tonight
Don't you dare look at him in the eye
As we dance with the devil tonight

Hold on
Hold on


Do you think I need new music? Something less depressing? I think maybe so.

My Downfall

He will be my downfall. For the entirety of this past week I have been trying. We've ignored each other. I've grown and I'm extremely thankful for that. Then I got a message from him and it feels as if my entire resolve has crumbled.

Yes, I enjoyed some parts. Yes, being with him will always be a memorable experience. They say you never forget your first love.

And believe me, that's fine. I'm okay with remembering the good he and I once shared. But is it really reasonable to accept him back into my life again, even if it's minimal?

I've been doing so much better this week. I don't want to ruin it. No, I don't want to get close to him again. I don't want the temptation. I don't want to be hurt by him anymore. But that doesn't mean that I have to be rude about it. I'm not sure whether he actually wants to be my friend again or if he is just going to screw me over again. Quite frankly, I don't want to take the chance. I put my heart on the line too many times for him. I am not willing to do it anymore.

I want to believe that he can change. But I wanted to believe that last time. Will my past be my downfall?

A Meaningful Conversation

Me: Hey. Please don't tell me you've been cutting yourself...

Her: No, I haven't been cutting myself, I promise. I had just been typing for way too long without a break...

Me: Yay, good. You're not a pathetic person like me!

Her: Wait... what?!?!

Me: You didn't know about that? I thought everyone knew by now since he's been telling people...

Her: I haven't talked to him since the beginning of October... No! That is bad... hurting yourself won't help... even if it does temporarily, it won't help at all in the long run... *hug* don't do that to yourself...

Me: Oh. Well good. I know it is. I did it 4 times, and I am done. I think. I almost didn't come home from Mexico... *hug*

Her: "I am done. I think." You think?... do I need to double check and make you wear short sleeved shirts every day? "Think" ain't good enough, hon, not to me... "Think" is still gonna have me worried about you.

Me: Well it's not like I was thinking to clearly when it happened. My theory is this: every time it was caused by him. Something I did to make him mad so I felt guilty, some feeling of worthlessness, some fight. Now that he's gone, the problem should eliminate itself. The scars on the back of my hand. That was the first time. I didn't mean to go so deep. My heart was already hurting too much at the time. Then my wrist. I'm surprised no one noticed. I wore bandaids all week. Nick joked about it, but I didn't tell anyone. Then he saw the cuts one night on accident. Third time on my legs. That wasn't too bad. And then a lot on my shoulder when the troubles with him started again a month ago. Why is love so... difficult?!? This whole time, I stayed with him. Beating myself up and hurting myself because I didn't feel good enough. Taking his crap and over controlling attitude. And what did I get out of it? Nothing. I'm the one left behind. I'm sorry. I know, it's pathetic of me. Sometimes the pain just made things feel more real to me.

Her: I hate that he did that to you... that he hurt you so badly... you were often extremely frustrated with him... and I wish I had had the guts to convince you to break up with him sooner... I just didn't feel I had the right to... I'm sorry I didn't notice your cuts... I should have...

Love isn't usually that difficult... it's fear that is. You were afraid to leave him because you had invested so much into your relationship. You didn't really know anything else... it was comforting in its familiarity, even when it hurt you. Yes, you are left behind by him, but so what? He's not worth it! I know it's hard to think like that sometimes... it's hard to believe you got sucked in... but no one, no matter how much you love them, or think you love them, is worth that, because if they are causing that much pain, and can't see it, or don't do anything about it, then how is that real? How can someone who loves you not do everything possible to ease your pain?

And its not pathetic... I came close, on several occasions. There were times when I considered "slipping" while shaving my legs, just so that my body and heart could come to some sort of balance. I didn't do it, but I am not sure what stopped me. I think I was just afraid that if I started, it would get worse and I was already having enough trouble keeping my mind off of morbidity. And I had more than my fair share of bloody lips that I unintentionally bit open on nights when the pain hit me especially hard... it's not pathetic, it's just not right, and it's not worth it.

Me: Me too. And while this past week has been extremely hard for me, it's also been a blessing. Going through this was a new experience. My soul has grown. I've learned from my mistakes. Even though the wounds haven't healed yet, I know they will. Don't blame yourself, please. It is in no way your fault. You stuck by my side and were a true friend to trust my judgment, even though it was ultimately wrong. I know, and that's what I realized too late. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he was telling me he loved me, yet he couldn't change the way he was as to stop hurting me. Things didn't add up. I changed for him because I loved him and I couldn't understand that he wouldn't do the same for me. I was holding onto that love that we once had so tightly that I wouldn't let myself realize the destruction he was bringing on us and the fact that I was adding onto that by holding on to him. I truly know now that even if you want to with all of your will, you can't force people to change. That's what makes us unique. People can inspire change in others through actions and impact, but it can never be forced. Maybe that was my downfall. I thought I could make him change and stop hurting me, but I never really could. Yeah. At first it really did feel good. The first time I wanted to see what would happen. I was pissed and I tend to get extremely thrill seeking and rebellious when I'm pissed. The new physical pain gave me something else to focus on. Then the near suicide in Mexico. I still feel terrible for ever even thinking about it. I've learned too much in this past week and it's really been a slap in the face to see how much people care for me. I know not to ever try that again. And if I do... please yell at me.































I like this picture, "*Aemaeth*".

I Am So In Love

With Ouran High School Host Club!!! Ahh!!! I don't there's a show out there that could be better!

I Need To Stop

Haha. Happy Monday morning. I'm worried about this reoccurring insomnia stuff that I've been experiencing lately. It can't possibly be good for me.

This is kind of frustrating. There's a ton of things that I could and should be doing right now (sleeping included) but I'm not. Ohhhh well.

Lemme find a pretty picture.


















Thank you "algo".

I'm Glad People Know Me

My dear friend Jo showed me a poem today by Dylan Thomas. I'm glad I have a friend like her who knows exactly what kinds of things I'll love. I had to post it here.

And Death Shall Have No Dominion

And death shall have no dominion.

Dead men naked they shall be one

With the man in the wind and the west moon;

When their bones are picked clean and the clean bones gone,

They shall have stars at elbow and foot;

Though they go mad they shall be sane,

Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again;

Though lovers be lost love shall not;

And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.

Under the windings of the sea

They lying long shall not die windily;

Twisting on racks when sinews give way,

Strapped to a wheel, yet they shall not break;

Faith in their hands shall snap in two,

And the unicorn evils run them through;

Split all ends up they shan't crack;

And death shall have no dominion.

And death shall have no dominion.

No more may gulls cry at their ears

Or waves break loud on the seashores;

Where blew a flower may a flower no more

Lift its head to the blows of the rain;

Though they be mad and dead as nails,

Heads of the characters hammer through daisies;

Break in the sun till the sun breaks down,

And death shall have no dominion.

Yay! I love it.

Oh Geez

I am tired. And sore. And in a really bad mood. And mad at my parents. And frustrated in general.

But I'm also happy.

Does that make any sense?

Ha, probably not.

:]

I've Been Lost In Thought All Morning

I guess this whole "deep thinking" thing started this morning when I was sitting around at church waiting for it to start. I had brought along "The Valkyries" by Paulo Coelho (on loan from Charis) and decided to read that while I waited. It's a really good book. Eventually, I will read all of his books. He has given me more insight into life and the world than any religion ever has. I thought more about the words I had just read than the sermon, which was going in one ear and out the other ear. Until the pastor came to a certain proverb:

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

So what, my religion is telling me not to have a mind of my own? I sat there gawking for the rest of the service as the pastor continued to feed us lines like "Don't trust your feelings when making decisions, because they are worthless." and "Follow the path in your life where you can feel God's presence. Then you will experience no hardships."

Don't listen to my feelings? Don't make my own decisions? That I can't accept.

And even more so, he was telling us that if you do anything and everything that this "God" asks, you will have a wonderful life free from problems. Is it really that simple? I think not. I'm sorry to say it, but shit happens. It's a cruel world. Even the most faithful person can meet there own tragic ending. Even if they did everything right, ultimately if some crazy person wants to go and kill a crowd of innocent people, it'll happen. Believing in God isn't going to help you then.

Ironically, "The Valkyries" is about the author and his wife going on a journey to find his "angel". This part made sense to me:

"Angels are love in motion. They never rest, they struggle to grow, and they are beyond good and evil. Love that consumes all, that destroys all, that forgives all. Angels are made of that love, and are at the same time its messengers.

"The love of the exterminating angel, who one day will take away our soul, and of the guardian angel, who brings our soul back. Love is in motion."

"Love at war," Chris said.

"There is no love in peace. Whoever seeks peace is lost."

Sorry, I'm just a bit frustrated. It's one thing to have a religion forced on you, but it's a completely different thing if you don't agree with that religion at all.

















Thank you "Mr. Mark". Lovely photo, indeed.

A Reason To Smile

Krayt Dragon88: hey if someone lived on the exact opposite side of the earth from you would you say that is half the world away or the whole world away?

Tea-uh: hmm... good question. i dunno. because it depends on if you're going by circumference or like a straight diameter, right?

Krayt Dragon88: i think it is half the world away cus you travel on the surface not go through the core

Tea-uh: yeah, good point.

Krayt Dragon88: in which case if the exact opposite side of the earth is half a world away then is a whole world away the spot immediatley next to you?

Tea-uh: lol. wow. well... i guess technically so. i never thought about that...

Krayt Dragon88: i mean pretend like you are sitting on my lap, could i say we are a whole world apart and in the same place at the same time?

Tea-uh: LOL. you just want the mental picture of me sitting on your lap. :p

Krayt Dragon88: lol i guess, no seriously its like in precalc when pi is 180 degrees and 2pi is 360 but 0 and 2pi are at the same spot, a whole world away would be the exact spot that you are standing

Tea-uh: mhm. wait, are you doing calc?

Krayt Dragon88: right now? no. we didn't have any homework this weekend.

Tea-uh: oh lol. just asking. i thought maybe homework had triggered the thought.

Krayt Dragon88: no, thats just how my brain works.


:D

Thanks, Kyle. You may not feel like you're helping at all, but you really are.

Back Down Again

I had a good day today. There is no reason for my depressed mood right now. Well, maybe there is, but I wish I could just get over all of this drama.

I went out with some of my girl friends today and just hung out. We went to Portland to do volunteer work and found out the place we work at was closed today, so we decided to go look at junk stores instead. Then we went to the Bridgeport mall for lunch and random window shopping. We giggled. We blasted the music in the car. We ogled over things we saw in the stores. It was a lot of fun. But then I came home and cried.

I don't know if it's the bi-polar that created my mood swing today or what. My mind won't ever shut up though. All I think about is him. How much I still love him. How I shouldn't still love him. How unimportant and worthless I feel. How nice those moments were and how I can't believe that it's over.

It's sad because one of my best friends is in somewhat of a similar situation. She had her heart crushed but still has hope. She still loves her ex. And now when they're beginning to get close again, she wants to take a leap even though she knows she shouldn't. I feel bad though because I don't know what to tell her. Advice wise, I'm worthless.

Will I become like that? Will I still be clinging to this glimmer of what I thought was happiness a year from now? Will my resolve crumble if he comes back to me on his knees?

I guess I don't really have to worry, because there's no chance of that happening. He's happy, that much is apparent. I have no reason to care anymore, so why do I? It's frustrating that my heart won't let me not care.

And then there's my parents. I really don't understand them. My mom never shuts up and my dad is a hypocrite. I don't want to become like them. I'm finally getting to a point where I can trust myself and have my own opinions that mean something, but I can't escape my parents.

How do you escape confusion? Haha. Stupid question I guess. Confusion always exists. So more importantly, how can I teach myself how to deal with this confusion? I know I'm mature enough but I don't believe in myself.

I want to believe in myself.

I want to live, not just be alive...

This Kind of Makes Me Think

This past week has been nothing but easy for me and yet I find myself laughing more, feeling better, and having a blast doing whatever I want to do. I have had no limitations set on me by someone who is controlling and untrustworthy. I can say and feel and think however I want to without having to worry about what he would say. I can spend time with some of my favorite people and not be worried by the fact that they are male! I spent the past six hours surrounded by guys only! It was refreshing! Not that I want a relationship, it's just nice. I have no commitment. No Nazi breathing down my neck making me feel guilty or worthless. I can act on impulse. Sure, there might be some repercussions, but it will be good for me. When those come along, I can deal with them by myself and I will know that I have no one to blame but myself.

I don't waste as much time on the phone anymore. Surprisingly, seeing him happy doesn't eat me up, but it doesn't make me happy either. I could care less about him, honestly. He tore me in half and left me alone and cold. I'm the one that got stabbed in the heart, and I'm the one that isn't being mean now.

What should I do? Do I thank him for being cruel to me, because ultimately it led to me being happier without him? Would I have ever realized how much I hated being with him, if it hadn't been for this?

I'm so confused, but for once... I'm glad.


























Thanks "spidrwegian" for putting my thoughts of confusion into a convenient picture for me!

Oops

I meant to blog something, or anything yesterday, because it was Thanksgiving, but I forgot. And now I've realized that technically it's too late. Oh well.

I'm trying to waste a bunch of time and not go to bed, even though I have to be up in 5 hours. I'm afraid of going to sleep. All I get lately is nightmares.

Lately, I've been really confused. I hate what I have become. Not that I'm a bad person or anything, but I hate this state of mind that I can't seem to shake. I hate what he has made me. I hate that he had this kind of control over me.

I am really glad that I'm free now. Free to spend time with people that I couldn't before because of his feelings of jealousy. I'm glad I can act and dress how I want and for the most part, I don't have to care anymore. He's not there to weigh me down or make me feel guilty anymore.

So yeah, there are some aspects of life that are extremely nice. But then there's all the pain that I am trying so hard to get past. I'm trying to let it heal. But it seems as if something always happens to rip the wounds open again.

When I find someone who really loves me, I hope I don't push them away. I hope this hasn't completely broken me and made me unable to trust or even love again. I really hope I can find someone, someday, who won't let me down.

Hope. That is all I have left.

The Loss

I don't know how to be normal anymore. I lost the most important person in my life last night and he's fine with it. Apparently I was never that important to him anyway. He always wanted more. And he never told me. He fed me lies and kept me believing that there was something so whole and good between us that the world couldn't stop us. But all along, he was the poison between us. He saw to our destruction. And now he has what he really wanted all along. Her.

I don't know what hurts more, knowing that I never mattered or realizing what an idiot I was to believe him for so long. Everyone else saw it but me... love had me blind.

How can I be normal again? Everything I do hurts. Everything reminds me of him. I can't eat. I don't sleep much. How long will this last? How can I make myself forget him? How can I let him go? Please. Someone help me.

Revelations

I hate my best friend. He hates me.

Interrupted Thoughts

Hm. I got on to write something, but yet again my mind has gone blank. The only thing I could remember was "Oh. I need to change my profile on here. I'm single now..."

I found some poetry I wrote a while ago. Maybe I'll put it on here instead of where it's at now so it's not lost forever.

We Live

We look to the past to remind ourselves of all we hold dear.
We run from the past to escape from all that we wish we could forget.
We live in the present because that's all we can do.
We live in the future to give ourselves some sense of control.
We live in the future to escape from the past and the present.
No matter where or why, we live.

My Ammunition

You told me I shouldn't want
So I guess I won't.

I'll stop wanting to be happy,
I'll stop wanting to make something of myself,
I'll stop wanting to travel,
I'll stop wanting to believe.

I can't be all that you ask for,
I know I never will.
I just wish I knew,
How to make you happy by being myself.

There is no happy ending
For those who want
Only a life time of shattered dreams,
Broken hearts,
And disappointment.

That is what you told me.

Maybe though
I realize that you don't matter.
Why should I plan my life how you want it to be?
I shouldn't.

Maybe I should want.
Want all the things I hold dear
And find precious
And for you, that's too bad.

If I fall, I know there are those who will pick me up
Even when you laugh at me
As I lay broken on the ground
I know someone will come.

So I do
I do dare to want
To dream
To live.

The things in life
That hurt us the most
Only make us stronger
And that shall be my ammunition.

I Can't Remember

I can't remember you
Because I never knew you

I can't hear your voice in my head
Because I never heard it

I can't picture your face
Because I never saw it

I can't read your thoughts
Because I never heard them

I can't smile back at you
Because I never saw you smile

I can't remember you
Because I never got the chance to know you

An Eternal Love

No matter what I tell myself,
I know this feeling is for real
I know you love and care for me
And know just how I feel.

I can't imagine life again,
Now that we're so close
Of all the things to lose in life
It's you I'd miss the most.

If I ever make you mad,
Or say things that aren't true
Please know forevermore
I'll always be there for you.

I hate to try to plan the ever changing,
Or dwell too much on dreams
But being right there by your side
Is as right as it seems.

As sure as the stars shine,
Or the moon high above
Just remember that
You'll always have my love.


I guess that's all for now. I've got to go clean.

Unexpected Ending

Well, my trip to Mexico was alright. A bit more touristy than I really liked, but it was okay. I missed my friends too much, though.

I got home at probably the worst time possible. I know find myself single. It was a crippling blow. I can't eat or sleep and my thoughts are impossible to control.

I have this ache in my chest, literally.

I'm worried because I am almost certain I have some sort of mental problem going on. I'm guessing bi-polar or some form of depression. Not from this, I know it's always been there, but this has made it more pronounced.

If I get around to it I might put up a picture or two from the trip. I might not.

My friend bleached my hair at a party last night. It was random.

Sorry, this one's not too deep. I'm not really in the mood to write at all right now.

Unexplainable

For some reason, I've had a really bad day. I was around the one person I'd rather never see again all day, I came home exhausted and got in trouble for sleeping, I've got a lot of things on my mind that I don't want to think about, and I didn't get to say goodbye to any of my friends today whom I won't see for a week. I started crying for no reason a little bit ago. I want to go but I don't. I just want to curl up somewhere and sleep forever. I don't care about life anymore. I don't care about grades or school. I don't care about all the hurt I can't escape every day. I have lost all desire to care about anything. I'm really disappointed in myself.

Almost

It's almost time for me to leave! I have tomorrow, which isn't bad because I'm going to my college class for TAG and we're going to the zoo! Then, Thursday morning, off to Mexico! We just got back from buying snorkel gear!!! I'm excited!

Let It Rain

Today was okay. I decided to stay after school today for the NaNoWriMo support group and actually got a lot done. It has been raining all day long, basically non stop. Then, I got home and set my stuff down under the cover of the porch. I had the strange urge to stand in the pouring rain. A few minutes turned into twenty, and by the time I finally went inside, it really looked like I had just jumped in a pool.

While I sat there I felt a lot better though. I guess it's a good thing that I live in Oregon, because I love the rain. I actually sunk into some pretty deep meditation, which was really nice. I listened to everything; the wind, the trees, the rain. I felt deeply at peace, and when I came inside I just felt clean. Almost cleansed. I know there are still problems in my life, but I'm trying really hard to look at life in a new light. Every incident has choices which I can make, the outcome of which, I can blame no one but myself for.

I guess you could say that I am trying to grow up. I don't want to, but I know I have to. That doesn't mean I can't be afraid of the future though. There's a lot of things I want in my future, some of which I've caught glimpses of and felt the strong possibility of, but I can never be sure.

I want what anyone would want for them self. I want happiness, love, stability, joy, and achievement. I may not be terribly ambitious, but I know there are things I want for myself and I just don't want those things to be forgotten or pushed aside. I want people to see me clearly.






























Pretty photo thanks to "torontofotobug".

I Rely On This Too Much

Geez. How many times have I posted today?

Too many.

I decided to be an idiot and go back through my story and change it to be first person perspective from my female character's point of view. Which means I cut about a page and am having to redo a bunch. This better pay off in the long run.

It Hurts More Than I Expected

I am so sick of being hurt over and over again for no reason. I want more than anything to be able to say "Leave me alone, I'm tired of feeling shattered." but I can't. I stay here and take everything that gets thrown at me, not saying a word and then I tell myself that things will get better. If I can just pretend for one more day, things will get better again. I love him too much to let go, even if it's for my own good.

I feel so broken right now. I don't want to bring people down by complaining about my problems. This is all I have. Writing. I don't want to be one of those kids that you can't stand to be around because all they do is bring you down with their problems. For once, I just want someone to listen and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Someone to hold me in their arms and just let me cry. Someone to soothe me to sleep as I cry my heart out. Someone who is unbiased. Simply: someone who will always love me. And no, don't tell me God does. I don't believe in God anymore.

I don't know what to do. I need direction now more than ever. I'm so scared.
















Thank you "magnetomotive" for putting my thoughts in a picture.

I Know I Want This

I am counting down the days until I get to leave for Mexico. I'm so excited. Today was slightly better. I hung out with my mom and brother (without my dad, which was nice) and got to see a few of my friends as well. I've gotten a couple hundred words written on my novel done. I'm really counting on some long and boring plane time to get a lot done. I know I really want to go, I'm just going to miss my boyfriend. A lot.

Haha and I realized today how obsessed I am with the new line of hair stuff that Herbal Essences has out. I bought a third kind today and I haven't even finished using the first one I bought in July. Oh well. Who doesn't love the scent of Mandarin and Pearls? :D

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Icky.















Photo by "manganite" today.

I Will Wait For You, Endlessly

I need something to do. Something that will actually hold my attention and make me feel somewhat accomplished. I'm really getting tired of this life.

Again

Yeah, I think my post from this morning did get deleted.

And did I blogs last night? I thought I did... but that's gone too...

Back from this morning:

I've be having a huge internal battle with myself lately. Something is eating me up, but I can't let it out. I don't know what to say. I'm trying to remind myself that it's only the past. Some wounds are almost healed, I don't want to open them again...

I've been trying to write for the past two hours and have accomplished twenty-seven words. Pathetic.

I don't know what to do with myself today.

Weird

It looks like one of my posts from this morning is now gone... ?

A Nice Comparison

me:yeahhey, what's some object that you think describes me really well?

Sarah: an object?

me: yeah

Sarah: um. . .

Sarah: moonstone

me: really?

i didn't know you were actually still thinking of something

:D

Sarah: there were a ton of things that went through my mind, from cake, to photographs, to clothes hangers. . .and it all sounded cheesy and didn't really fit. . .and then when I really thought about it, moonstones are extremely unique, they reflect the light differently than any other gemstone out there, and they are even remarkably different from other moonstones. . .there is no one way to desribe them

That was both unexpected and nice.

I'm frustrated now though, because I made myself pancakes for breakfast and I can't even eat them for some reason.

Don't Misunderstand Me

I feel odd. Not more doubt, but just a general uneasiness. Everything has been weird lately. I feel extremely disconnected from one of my best friends and feel bad about my thoughts of how annoying she can be sometimes.

Lately I've also felt really afraid for the future. I don't want to grow up. Come rescue me, Peter Pan...

Everything I do seems really pointless lately. Like I want to get something done but never seem to be able to. And on the off chance that I do, it frustrates me because I never feel adequate.

In a week I'll be in Mexico, which should make me happy considering it will be one of my first real vacations in 17 years, but all I can think of is how I'm going to have to spend extra time making up PE from when I'll be gone. Why PE is required in high school, I will never understand. Don't get me wrong, I think it's wonderful and much needed with our recent trend in the world considering obesity, but I can't wrap my brain around wasting free schooling on physical education.

I've been really tired lately and don't know why. I haven't been eating much. I always have either a headache or a stomachache. It's frustrating, to say the least.

I've got 3,030 words on my novel done, which is almost nothing. Hopefully I'll be able to make it through the rest of the month.

Wish me luck.

























Thanks to "Hugo VT" tonight.

Doubt

I dunno why, but lately I've been filled with this huge sense of doubt, basically in everything that I do. That's all I wanted to say right now. More to come later.

Inevitable Exhaustion

Writing takes a lot out of you. Lack of sleep does as well. I have both. Along with lots and lots of marching practice. I am very tired, to say the least. I'm going to bed.















Thanks to "Today is a..." for this purdy one.